7th Heaven
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The show opens with Mary walking into a rowdy classroom. She's looking chagrined as she hands over a piece of paper to the teacher. He frowns at it and says to the class, "This is detention, folks, not kindergarten. At least take your seats and pretend you're being punished." Good heavens, what could Mary Camden possibly be doing in the detention hall? Is she there to gloat at the bad kids? Did she drop in to lecture them about premarital sex? This is only Season One, and I didn't think her downward spiral was scheduled to start until at least Season Four. Alas, it is true, though -- Mary is there to serve detention. I wonder why RevCam didn't get her out of it. With the amazing legal superpowers that allow him to ferret out private citizens' personal information from the Glenoak police department and seize other people's goods when the rightful owners fall behind in their payments, you'd think a little detention would be no problem for the Revster. Or maybe Mary wanted to keep this a secret from her father. Good luck with that, Mary, because you just know that someone from RevCam's specially trained team of informants filled him in on the detention calamity mere seconds after it occurred. In any case, Mary's in detention, and she looks terrified. Oh, please.

She sits down next to Keri Russell, star of the fabulous Felicity. Well, except for the "fabulous" part. I can sit through just about any movie or television show, no matter how bad. After all, I recap this show, don't I? One of the few exceptions to that rule, though, was the Felicity premiere. After four minutes, I noticed that it really sucked, but I decided to keep watching because I figured it had to get better. After about twenty minutes, it was sucking almost unbearably, but I'd already invested enough time in it that I figured I could slog through the rest. After forty-five minutes, I didn't care anymore, and I just gave up. Since this 7th Heaven episode is from 1997, at least Felicity still has all her pretty hair. She's saddled with some terribly crappy dialogue, though, as she says to Mary, "Don't worry, they're not gonna bite." Pardon? Felicity adds, "Well, except for that guy, maybe," indicating a boy sitting across the room. He looks fairly normal to me, but the writers have cleverly used some special 7th Heaven shorthand to show that he's a sinner, since he's wearing a black T-shirt and all. Felicity introduces herself as Camille. Mary says, "Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of you," which is a pretty stupid thing to say. It's all just a set-up, though, for Felicity to be able to say, "I think I've heard of you, too. You're the minister's daughter, right?" Then Mary can answer, "Guilty," and we can all laugh merrily. Or not. Felicity asks, "So what are you in for?" Aw, isn't that cute? Yes, it's exactly like they're in prison. At least Mary is only in detention for "tardiness," thank goodness. Felicity displays her bad-assity by claiming she was caught smoking -- in the boys' locker room! I have the unsettling feeling that we, the viewing public, are supposed to be shocked by that. I suspect that most of us are not. Mary does look a little dazed by Camille's admission. But that's probably just an ordinary facial expression for dazed, confused, and just generally stupid Mary Camden. After approximately forty-five seconds of conversation, Felicity decides to invite Mary to the mall. Um, because it's obvious the girls have so much in common? Who knows. It's sort of funny when Mary says she has to ask her parents, since "they keep a pretty tight rein." But it's just plain annoying when Felicity replies, "Well, we'll just have to get them to loosen up, won't we?"

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7th Heaven

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