7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 2 USERS: F
Dick sucks!

CamPound. Ruthie stares at Peter, who writes. Peter says, "This is all your fault. I should have put a stop to my mom dating this guy before they decided to get married." I think this is the quickest I've ever been stunned and stumped while writing a SevHev recap. Last week, we left off with The Guy Peter's Mom Is Dating, Dick, threatening Peter with abuse (or putting him out of the house) while sitting in church. Now, Dick and Peter's Mom are getting hitched? And Peter never said anything about the threat? And somehow this is RUTHIE'S fault? Oh, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. Who did this to you? Ruthie makes a nasty little face and says her dad "won't let it happen." Peter says he "has a feeling that Dick won't let Reverend Hampton, or anyone else, get in the way." Yes, Dick can be unswervingly singleminded at times. Heh.

Rev's Office. Peter's Mom, Paris, and Dick (heh) sit with their wide, whitebread-toothpaste smiles on. They want the Rev to marry them, and he, like any religious leader, peppers them with questions making sure they're doing it for the right reasons. And to provide a little exposition. Dick says it's not a big deal they got engaged on the first date. He knew his first wife for years before they got married, and look how well that turned out, heh heh. And Peter? Well, he'd be threatened by any man that came into his territory, of course. Dick is "confident" he can "win him over," because he's "not just marrying Paris. [He's] marrying Paris and Peter." Oh, creepy, creepy, CREEPY! Why don't you just say you're JOINING A FAMILY instead of MARRYING A LITTLE KID? Here comes my dinner.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

Church. Go, guitar, go! Lights up in Eric's office, as he and Chandler...Hampton pore over letters, some on foofy lilac stationery, some on the more ordinary white paper. Apparently all the letter-writers do not have beef with the shit sermons and soggy pancake breakfasts; they all want to be married by the Rev. Two words for these letter-writers: City. Hall. Eric hands a bunch of the letters over to Chandler. Then he tells Chandler to marry some of these couples. That asked for Eric to marry them. And to call on them for counseling stat, since those dates are coming up soon. And to tell them Eric can't perform the ceremony. Oh, so you can ask a man of the cloth to marry you, and they'll squeeze the religious counseling in around your date? They are so not Catholic. Chandler makes a face when Eric says that he can perform ALL the weddings and ALL the counseling if Chandler changes his mind about going home to make peace with his father before he passes away. Chandler...Hampton looks at him like, the hell? Then he waves his hand brusquely like, bring these stupid weddings ON. And wow, another head-scratcher. If Chandler leaves, Eric will willingly double his own workload? But if Chandler stays, Eric'll just pass the buck and hand over half the weddings he was personally asked to do? And Chandler, a reverend, has a dying father he refuses to make peace with? God, this show is fucked up.

Simon mops and mops. Two of the weirdest-looking people I've ever seen walk all over the newly mopped floor and begin speaking brightly. Um, these are Cecilia's parents, right? God, they're fugly. I'd say "get surgery," but it's obvious both of them have had lots, and they still look freaky. When the blonde woman says it's their twentieth wedding anniversary, I let out a little scream, and my dog goes running for the kitchen because I've seen a mouse in there for the past few days and he likes to play with it. I mean, the guy could have been married for twenty years, but this chick? What, is she from Arkansas or something? Are they cousins? You know what I mean. All I really have to say about these scary surgery twins is that Botox is poisonous, so cut it out, and I hope that whatever that guy has done to his lips is reversible. He looks like a fucking marionette! Anyway, they want Reverend Camden to marry them again, and Cecilia "She Ain't Beautiful" Ugulera says they can talk about it later. Freaky Surgery Woman leads Freaky Surgery Dude away as he protests that they've already thought about this, and they "really want to do it!" Um, who's the adult and who's the kid, here? God I hate this show. Simon pushes his mop, then says his parents renewed their vows on their twentieth anniversary. Cecilia says that his parents aren't her parents. Good, I was right. Those overly-surgery-faced freaks were her parents. I still hate this show.

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7th Heaven




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