7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 2 USERS: F
Dick sucks!

Ruthie tromps off to Lucy's room. Lucy yells peevishly that she's studying. Ruthie asks when the KevBot will be home, since she has to ask him a "favor," which is "private business." Hey, did anyone notice Ruthie's shirt in this scene? It's a monkey t-shirt, and he's holding a little pennant? And he has rosy cheeks? It's like Hello Kitty and Julius got together to make a t-shirt, like, for losers, and this is the result. I know that Paul Frank and Sanrio are way too cool to allow their product on this show, but this shirt is proof positive. Lucy pries and noses, and learns that it isn't "a brother-in-law kind of favor," but a "police kind of favor." Lucy puts down her book to listen.

Lights up on the sign that reads "Glenoak Community Church." Denomination, who cares! Got God? Sure we do! BYOB(ible). Chandler sits, face creased like an old newspaper, as he listens to Mayim and Mark natter on. She says his mom hates her; he disagrees. Chandler tries to shake them off the subject of Mark's Hateful Mom, and back onto the two of them. Mayim, it seems, got engaged to some guy while on the rebound from Mark. And all told, she's been engaged to seven guys. Chandler asks if Mark has "ever been engaged to another woman, or women?" Nope. Mayim says why: "Because no woman is ever going to marry a guy with a mother like that." Mark insists that she's not that bad. I want to see this bad mom! Who could they get to play her? How about Shirley MacLaine? Or maybe Meryl Streep? That would rule. But it'll probably just be Mayim with a babushka and some powder in her hair. The phone rings, and Chandler picks it up, says "not yet," then hangs up. Roxanne was on the other end. She asks Kevin to drop her at "Chandler's," since she can "feel" he's having a bad night. Kevin thinks Roxanne should leave Chandler alone and not press him into seeing his dad before he dies. The hell? How come everyone knows about Chandler's dad but me? ["Let me bring you up to speed. He's dying. Chandler hates him. That's...about it." -- Sars]

Peter's House. Dick takes a beer from the fridge. Mmm, beer. Oh wait, it's a wine cooler. Blecch. Peter walks into the kitchen. Dick asks how his homework is going. Peter sullenly says fine. Dick says he "can drop the attitude." Peter says, almost hopefully, "And if I don't?" Wow, that is so not what a frightened person says. That's what a person who wants a fight says. And scared kids shouldn't pick fights with drunk men. Dick slides off the counter (which everyone saw in the ads, in super-scary slo-mo) and heads toward him. Paris walks in and echoes, "And if you don't?" Good timing, Mom. Of course, Peter could have just yelled, MOM! Dick says that "this is between" him and Peter, but Peter insists that she stay, since this is "between all of us." Peter doesn't want his mom to get married, since she barely knows Dick. Hee. Peter asks if Dick wants "to be [his] new dad." Dick says he knows Peter already has a dad, and that he just "wants to be [Peter's] friend." Peter is not buying it, and runs out of the kitchen. Dick lets him go, then grabs Paris in a big, huge, giant embrace, and says he "understands" that Peter feels threatened, and that he'll "never let [her] go, Paris Petrowski." As they hug, the camera tightens on Dick's eyes, which are shifty. But still. Less talking, more child-beating, please.

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7th Heaven




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