Eric calls Peter's house. Dick gets it. "Is this Dick?" Hee. Eric asks if Paris and Peter can come in and discuss whatever's bothering Peter. Dick totally hijacks the conversation and says he'd love it if the three of them came in and learned "how to communicate as a family." Wow, Dick is bossy.
School. Simon and his giant eyebrows walk over to Cecilia's locker. She says there's something about her parents that "no one knows." Ooh, I love that QOTSA song. I love all their songs. I love them. Then the music gets all dramatic and we cut to commercial.
School, again. Simon says, "What?" Cecilia says that now his dad will know, then his mom, and then "once it's out, it's out. It's just so embarrassing." And how did she find out? Her "Uncle Walter." Remember, the guy who used to manage their family's cleaning service, and stole money and tried to bribe Simon, then blame it on him? I do. Simon is all, "Why are you still calling him your Uncle Walter?" She's all, "Okay. Walter told me." Because he didn't know that she didn't know. DIDN'T KNOW WHAT?!
Church. Chandler walks in, pulls out a giant sandwich, and begins to eat. Eric apologizes. Chandler hands him a salad, and pulls out a bacon burger and begins to eat that. Wow, a two-sandwich lunch. Hey, Chandler, you want some brownies? Eric asks if his father meant it when he said Chandler shouldn't come home. Chandler says yeah, and that he's learned something from living with Mrs. Bink -- that "treatment isn't easy when you're surrounded with people that love and support you. Much less people that you haven't been nice to. Maybe he simply isn't up to facing one more person. Maybe he's not ready to contemplate his life and death. Maybe he isn't going to be." Eric says maybe there "doesn't need to be a big dramatic scene." Chandler scoffs at the idea that he could "just show up and talk about the weather." Eric says they could. Chandler says that staying away might give his father "peace." Eric says, "But what would it give you?" Because if you don't act with your own interests in mind, you're not really on SevHev. Just then, Mayim and Mark walk in and say they're going to Vegas. Not to gamble, or to see a show. To get married! Hopefully by a Jon Bon Jovi impersonator. I wonder if you can get married by a Woody Allen impersonator? That would be hilarious. Chandler asks to talk to them in the hall.
Mayim is really into the Vegas elopement idea, since it means that Mark's mom is out of the picture. Mark says "she'll get over it." Mayim says, "Hey, maybe she won't even care." Chandler, taking the all-about-me thing to yet a new level, says, "I care." He wanted the mom to come in to the next session to see what she has to say. Mayim is not down with this idea, but Mark likes it. "Let him have a shot at the old bag." Hey, he just called his own mom an old bag. And ooh, I'll take a shot. Mark's mother is so fat, you have to roll her in flour to find the wet spot. She's so fat that when you yell, "HEY, KOOL-AID," she jumps through a wall and says, "OH YEAH!" She's so fat, when she cuts her leg shaving, she bleeds milkshakes. She's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Get the mustard, it's Mark's mom! And she's coming in, woo. Kaboom. Kaboom. Those are the sounds of Mark's mom's faraway footsteps.