Chandler walks in to see a few bites taken out of his burger. Eric is guilty, and off to counsel Paris, Peter, and Dick.
Cop station. Roxanne wants an apology from Chandler. Kevin tells her to accept his apology, then apologize herself. She's "not doing either." She just really wants Chandler to see his dad. But she doesn't know what we know! Oh, this is so boring. Kevin takes a call and takes off without her. Good move.
Chandler sits at Eric's desk, getting info on how to pick a ripe melon from Mrs. Bink via a non-split-screen phone conversation. A woman walks in -- not Meryl, not Shirley, not Mayim in a babushka. But it is Mark's mom. She's a pretty brunette, and says she's "not afraid" of Mayim, and she "isn't afraid to share what [she] know[s]. [Mayim] is a grifter, a con artist, engaged to seven different men in seven cities." Well, Mayim don't know about the future. That's anybody's guess. There ain't no point in getting all depressed. In my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine. Hey, Mark's mom! Stop all your fussin' and slap on a smile! Anyway, Mark's mom, "a mother, a woman," hired a private investigator and learned Mayim had extorted money from each of her fiancés. Well, at least she didn't murder them all. Chandler asks if Eric knew about this. Mark's mom says that's probably why he passed on counseling them. She says not to tell anyone. But then, since Chandler's living with Mrs. Bink, he "probably doesn't care what people think." God, this show is weird.
Eric sits in his home office with Peter, Paris, and Dick. Dick sings a good song about wanting to be involved in Little League ["and as a former Little League umpire, let me just say, this is concrete proof that Dick is a complete nutter" -- Sars] and loving to "fish," and Peter just says he wants Dick to leave. Paris and Dick say they "want this to work," and when Dick takes Paris's hand, Peter rolls his eyes and heaves a giant sigh. Eric sends Peter out, then suggests a child psychologist. Maybe just the writing on the wall? Eric calls "Dr. Gibson" and makes an appointment for that night. Dick and Paris leave happily, and Eric looks furrowed and concerned.
Cecilia's house. Her parents sit, facing her and Simon. They all sputter at each other for a bit, then finally it's revealed: Cecilia's parents were NEVER MARRIED! Gasp, rutabaga rutabaga, well I NEVAH! They "were meaning to" but Cecilia "came early," and they "ARE married," since they've been living together for twenty years. So, why the church wedding now? They "want to." So, Cecilia's a bastard? Aww, she's illegitimate. Aww. Cecilia's mom says she felt a "embarrassed" and "a little ashamed" for "lying to everyone for all these years." And now, they "want to" get married. They're "madly in love" with each other, have a license, and Simon says he'd "be honored to have [his] dad marry [them]." Simon? Shut up.