7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 2 USERS: F
Dick sucks!

Roxanne knocks on Mrs. Bink's guest house door. She's got one rose in her hand. Chandler says there were "supposed to be many more flowers involved" with the apology bouquet he sent her. She just came over with the one rose to apologize to him, in person. And she doesn't want to fuck his brains out anymore. Now, she wants to wait. Until they get married. Then she goes, God, I KNEW I shouldn't have become friends with Lucy! Riiight, the married sex thing. Chandler heads down to the church, but his parting shot is that she could get to be friends with Mrs. Bink to "get a second opinion on sex and marriage." Oh, gross. He leaves, and Roxanne picks up the phone to call Lucy. Lucy answers, and Roxanne says, "You are my best friend forever." Lucy is all, "Roxanne?" Oh, boy. Roxanne says that Lucy "was right, and by telling Chandler that she wants to wait, now she feels he "can hardly wait. Worked like a charm!" Barf. Lucy asks if Roxanne is really going to wait, since she's such a ho and all. Roxanne says yes, but since she's so used to perusing guys, she's "never really given [herself] the chance to be perused." Lucy says, "I think you're gonna like it!" They hang up. I throw up. Ruthie, Annie, and then Eric walk in to join Lucy in the kitchen. What's going on? Eric can't say. They all hug each other.

Mayim explains herself to Chandler and Mark. Apparently, every bride keeps the ring when the engagement goes kaput. Except for the one guy that gave her his house. What was she supposed to do with a pig farm? And that guy that gave her his boat. What, she was supposed to take the pigs fishing? And the ring she only got three or four grand for! Silver can really look like platinum. Chandler asks if Mark still wants to go to Vegas. He says no.

Dick, Paris, and Peter sit with the counselor Eric sent them to, Dr. Gibson. Dick goes on and on about how he wants to be a family. Dr. Gibson interrupts him, then asks Peter if Dick ever threatened him. Peter comes clean and tells them what Dick said in church last week. Dick is all, what? Dr. Gibson calls Dick "a classic abuser," and describes how controlling he's been acting and how he made Paris doubt her parenting skills and already got her to miss work, then picks up the phone and says, "We're ready now." Kevin and Eric walk in. Dick sputters that they better have proof of what they're saying. Kevin says that Dick's ex-wife filed a restraining order against him, which Dick is on parole for having violated. And Dick isn't to come near Paris or Peter ever again. "Don't call, don't write." Eric says Dick is welcome in his office anytime, though. All the while, Paris is sitting there like, huh? What? When did my life become a soap opera? When you moved to Glenoak, that's when. Dick stands up and asks Eric if he'll help him like he helped out tonight. Eric says tonight "was about Paris and Peter." Hey, remember that really awesome episode of 90210, when Steve made a new friend named Dick who did a lot of drugs, then OD'ed at the PPAD (like River Phoenix at the Viper Room, God rest his soul) and Steve threw a bong and said, "WHO LEFT THIS POT PIPE HERE!" Then Steve tries to smoke a bowl and Brandon stops him, and Steve cries out, "Dick's dead, Dick's dead, Dick's dead!" God, I love that episode. This is not that good. Dick walks out. Um, he still lives next door to Paris. Paris? Get a home security system. Good thing you already have a dog that hates Dick. Paris finally gets a word out: "How did this happen?" Dr. Gibson says, "Oh, it happens. These guys know the game and you don't even know you're in one!" And Peter? He's a "really good judge of character," so "listen to him next time." ["But...but...HE'S DATING RUTHIE! Oh, I give up." -- Sars] Dr. Gibson suggests they all "hang out there and talk" for a while, since this had to have been "quite a shock." Yes, let's have a real heavy rap, let it all hang out, what do you say? The phone rings, and it's for Eric. The scene ends with a close-up of Eric's face.

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7th Heaven




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