The opening credits still suck and everyone still looks like ass in them.

Today's Opening Credits Timewaster is Peter and Ruthie sifting through piles of books. Brenda Hampton's name pops up as the author of this episode, so I'm sure we're all in for a real treat. Ruthie and Peter start bitching about how everyone's President's Day reports are always the same, with people dressed as the presidents, and cherry pies and stovepipe hats and the like. Ruthie wants to do something different, but neither she nor Peter is capable of thinking of anything. Peter bemoans the fact that their project is due tomorrow and they still don't have an idea. He thinks it might have something to do with being paired with Ruthie. What, because they were spending all their project time making out instead of working? Doubtful. Anyway, Peter should just be glad that Ruthie hasn't taken a golf club to their assignment yet, like she did last time they had to work together. Because it's about time to move the storyline along, Peter starts wondering what they would do for their project if Washington or Lincoln were president today, what with how our media criticizes public figures for everything they do wrong, and puts a "bad spin" on everything they do right. I can see where this plot is going, so I'm just going to say it now so I don't have to repeat it several times throughout the rest of the recap: SHUT UP, BRENDA HAMPTON. Ahhh, that felt good.

Ruthie suggests writing a bunch of articles and putting them in "one of those newspapers they sell at the grocery store" for their project. They're called "tabloids," Ruthie, and don't you try to make me feel ashamed of reading them. Special shout-out to my mother, who buys a National Enquirer and a Globe every week at the grocery store, unless they have a cover story about JonBenet Ramsey or Laci Peterson. She used to buy Star, but now refuses to since the editor of US Weekly took it over and made all the pages glossy, filled it with pictures, and took out all the good stories. If my mom wanted to read People, she'd buy a goddamn People, wouldn't she? Ruthie and Peter decide to do the tabloid, then predict that they'll be getting an "A" on this assignment, maybe even an "A+." They're supposed to be excited, I guess, but the actors' joyless faces do little to convince me of this. Ruthie then wonders what they'll do if they can't find enough true bad stuff about Lincoln or Washington. Peter suggests making it up, like "the pros" do.