7th Heaven
Don't Speak Ill Of The Dead Or Of The Living

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Illin'

Chandler and Roxanne are just finishing their pizza and starting the conversation that their dinner was supposedly about. Am I to assume, then, that they spent the entire dinner before this moment in silence? Roxanne is about to tell Chandler her big dilemma when Kevin and Lucy walk up and try to pretend that they aren't nosy assholes. It doesn't work, and Roxanne calls them on it. Lucy asks Roxanne why she couldn't talk to her about Det. Michaels. Roxanne says that it's because Lucy is married to Kevin. So Kevin asks why Roxanne wouldn't tell him about Det. Michaels back at "the office." "Office"? Kevin is such a tool. Chandler tells them to leave. Kevin starts yelling at Roxanne to not tell people that she's dating Det. Michaels, because it could hurt his chances for the promotion. Roxanne denies dating Det. Michaels. Chandler makes a face like someone near him just farted. Kevin says that if Roxanne isn't dating Det. Michaels, then this isn't any of his business after all, and he's sorry he jumped to conclusions. Actually, it's not any of his business even if she is dating Det. Michaels, but nice try, Kevin. Lucy says she's sorry, too, and she feels like an idiot for agreeing to go out to pizza with Kevin. Chandler is all surprised that Kevin would be the one to initiate a spy mission; Kevin says that Lucy is starting to rub off on him. Hey, it's just like Peter having Ruthie's bad work habits rub off on him. Women bring men down, all the time! Thanks for the life lesson, Brenda Hampton! I just hope that one day I'll have a strong patriarchal husband to be a bad influence on. As Kevin and Lucy walk away, Lucy whines (I know, I was just as shocked as you) that she's hungry. "Well, we can't eat here now," Kevin says. They'll just have to eat at the pool hall, the only other restaurant in town.

A big-ass close-up of Asslee's face is mostly obscured by darkness. Thanks, 7th Heaven's crappy lighting team! You just made my job a little easier. Asslee is on the phone with Martin, all mad because Mac doesn't want to date Pam. He hands the phone to Mac and tells him to talk to her. Mac says he's sorry, but he can't date Pam; he wanted Asslee to fix him up with one of her senior friends anyway, even though Asslee already told him that none of them would date him. Asslee says that her friends won't date someone two years younger than them. And anyway, Pam is expecting a date with Mac, so he'll have to call and cancel himself. Mac whines that he can't. Martin grabs the phone and tells Asslee to make Mac tell her why he won't date Pam. Asslee asks Martin why he doesn't just tell her now. Martin says it's "too stupid." So is this show, but it's still on. Mac says it isn't stupid, and Martin wouldn't think it was if he was the one who had to date Pam. Finally, Martin agrees to tell Asslee what's wrong with Pam. And then the scene abruptly ends so as to instill suspense, which, of course, it doesn't.

And now we're back with Roxanne and Chandler, who are talking about how Roxanne is doing some program to teach inmates how to read, which she signed up for when she was "looking for something to do other than date." WHORE! Apparently she met an honor prisoner there who's getting out in six months. Det. Michaels walks up and says he thought he might find Roxanne here, although with Lucy instead of Chandler. What is Det. Michaels' deal with Lucy? One week he's yelling at Kevin for lying to her, and the next he appears to have her schedule memorized. Anyway, he asks to talk to Roxanne alone and offers to pay for their check. Chandler leaves, and Det. Michaels sits down and looks at Roxanne. She stares back at him.

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7th Heaven

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