7th Heaven
Don't Speak Ill Of The Dead Or Of The Living

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Asslee demands that Mac be put back on the phone. She says she can't believe that Mac won't date Pam because she wet her pants in first grade. Mac asks who would be able to forget something like that. Um…everyone? I mean, shit, I have a photographic memory and I can't remember embarrassing things my classmates did in first grade. ["In my hometown, that kid was still trying to live it down when we were all in high school. He was a varsity football player by that time; didn't matter. Then again, my hometown is only slightly less pathetic than Glenoak in a lot of ways." -- Sars] Asslee says she also can't believe that all of Pam's classmates have been making fun of her for wetting her pants for the last ten years. Again, I have a pretty hard time believing that as well. Brenda Hampton needs to, like, go out in society once in a while and see how real human beings interact with each other, and not just keep guessing at it. Then we won't have bizarre plotlines like this. Mac grins and says that they nicknamed her "Pampers." That's kind of funny, actually. Asslee tells Mac that he's "despicable," except that she says it while holding the phone underneath her chin so he probably didn't hear her.

Asslee's dad runs in the room and asks what all the "shouting" is about, even though there was no actual shouting. Maybe there was supposed to be shouting, but Ashlee Simpson decided to play this scene, as she does all her other scenes, with her squeaky whisper-voice. Asslee tells Mac that she's going to "make [him] go out with Pampers." "Pampers!" Asslee's dad says, lifting his head up. I don't know why, but that cracked me up for like ten minutes. I think I'm going to start snapping to attention and saying "Pampers!" for no discernible reason, just like Asslee's dad. Martin tells Mac that Asslee is "funny when she's angry. And crazy. Mostly crazy, so watch out." I think Martin has Asslee confused with Annie, although maybe not, since all women on 7th Heaven are crazy to some extent. That's why they need men! Mac tells Asslee that she can't make him go out with Pam. Asslee turns to her dad and orders him to go to the CamPound and "beat this guy up for [me]," then hangs up on Mac. I did something like that once, too, although I was eight at the time and learned my lesson right quick when the kid I said it to's dad came marching over to my house and started punching my father in the face. Then my mom called the police (thankfully, she wasn't absorbed in one of her tabloids at the time!) and the fight ended, but I was still traumatized for life. And now you probably all think that my family is insane. Well, only my mother is, but that's because she's a woman. See, I really do pay attention to Brenda Hampton's messages after all! Anyway, don't ever tell someone that your dad is going to beat them up. That's my lesson to you.

Asslee tells her dad of The Sad Tale of Pampers's Lament. Her dad thanks her for believing that he could beat up a sixteen-year-old baseball player, but he'll stick with lecturing him instead. How about you stick with minding your business, Asslee's dad? Or maybe you can stick with working on General Hospital, where your storylines were less ridiculous and your acting was much better.

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7th Heaven




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