And we're back with yet another season of Tubey Award Winner for Worst Returning Show, 7th Heaven. I was hoping to spend my summer, aside from a few Classic recaps, away from the godforsaken family, but I was not destined to be so blessed. Not only did I have to deal with the fallout from Asslee's stupid new album doing well by hearing her (s)hit single on the radio every ten minutes, but she was also all over MTV, which I don't watch expecting to see the best musicians around, but still. At one point, I was flipping through the channels when I happened upon the Asslee Simpson Show. Alarmed, I tried to switch to another channel, any other channel, as quickly as possible, and I must have sent the cable box too many signals too quickly because it FROZE UP on a frame of Asslee and I couldn't change the channel. I turned the television off and then on again, but she was still there. This lasted for FOUR DAYS until I called the cable company and they reset the box, thus freeing it from the Curse of Asslee Simpson. Oh, and then there was the time I went to the new Target in West Hollywood, where I was perusing the CD section only to get stuck next to some faux-punk woman and her ugly boyfriend. The woman was looking for Asslee's CD, and when she saw it was sold out, she said the following: "Oh my god, Target is sold out of Asslee's CD! I'll have to tell her that when I talk to her tonight!" I was able to hear every word she said because it was projected so that everyone in the electronics section and probably even down in garden supplies could hear and be suitably impressed that this woman was supposedly Asslee's friend. I just couldn't understand why anyone would want to advertise having any association with Asslee Simpson. I certainly don't. And Asslee wasn't the only cast member determined to haunt me all summer. Lucy, Kevin, and Ruthie all made appearances on my television in K-Mart commercials. Now Kevin, I don't mind seeing so much, especially when he's only wearing his boxers. Mmm. But even he is not worth having to see Lucy and Ruthie. Especially when they're on a gigantic billboard I drive by EVERY DAY on my way to work. That's right -- Ruthie's dead soulless eyes are one of the first things I see every morning.
Well, let's get this over with. We open with a shot of the twins. And how they've grown! Well, one of them grew. The stunted one is more stunted than ever. I swear, those Brinos may be the worst casting job this show has ever done, and that's saying a lot. I mean, they can't act, they can barely speak, and they aren't even TWINS anymore! Why can't Brenda just bring herself to replace them with some less self-conscious kids? I don't think any of the viewers would mind. I don't think the Brinos would mind, either. Annie takes some pictures of her kids on their first day of school until RevCam runs downstairs and throws his unappealing face in the shot. Annie gasps at the scandal of it all, then launches into boring story about how she took all of her other kids to the first day of school (in Matt's case, she's still doing it), but this time, SamVid want their father to do the dubious honors. Annie is crushed and accuses RevCam of telling the twins to request his escorting services. I see Annie didn't lose any paranoia over the summer, even if she did seem to lose some weight. Annie sulks some more about not being able to take the twins to school. Hey, here's an idea so crazy it just might work: why don't BOTH parents take their kids to school? ["And leave them there?" -- Sars]
RevCam and SamVid are set to leave when RevCam realizes he forgot his keys. Annie runs upstairs to get them and the twins say something about waiting outside like men do. Whatever. Maybe they'll get abducted while they're out there completely unsupervised. Ruthie comes downstairs, ready to leave for her first day of high school. Hey! What's she doing here? Isn't she supposed to be in Mexico? DAMN IT! I'll never be free of her! RevCam asks her if she's excited about high school. "No," says Ruthie. Is she scared? No. What is she, then? "Angry." Good lord, she's finally going to unleash her reign of terror on us all. RevCam takes twenty minutes to stammer out that Ruthie shouldn't be mad at Peter for moving across town to a duplex with his parents. "He'll be around, you'll see," RevCam tells Ruthie, except that he won't, because the Petrowski/Vickery family is finally out of my life forever! Ruthie says she isn't angry at Peter; she's angry at Martin for not giving her a ride to school. RevCam offers his chauffeuring services, but Ruthie says she's going to "let" Lucy and Kevin drive her. Yes, it's always a very generous thing to "let" someone go out of their way and do you a favor.