7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: B+ | 1 USERS: F

After saying goodbye to Simon, Morris rushes after his friends and worriedly tells them, "Simon Camden is not ready for one of your parties." Tom says, "Yeah, that's why it would be fun to have him." He and Mike laugh cretinously and walk away. Morris stares anxiously after them and sighs deeply, as if he's facing incalculable doom.

I see that Adam LaVorgna's not listed in the opening song. I guess Robbie's still, ahem, "visiting his mother in Florida." What's even weirder is that Stephen Collins and Catherine Hicks aren't listed in the credits either; nor is Barry Watson. I can only assume that this show is chock-full of so much spectacularly diverting entertainment that the producers had to shorten the opening song to accommodate it all.

That didn't stop them from letting the Opening Credits Timewaster drag on forever, though. Evidently, nobody put much effort into this one either, since it consists entirely of Dopey going through the mail and taking out a few envelopes to bring upstairs. Wow, can you feel the excitement?

Over in the CamKitchen, Annie is telling Simon that he can't attend the party of the millennium. She doesn't sympathize with his desperate need to fit in, not even when he claims, "High school is all about getting people to like you and finding a group and fitting in." Way to influence impressionable young viewers, Brenda.

Simon stomps off, leaving Annie to apply her stellar parenting skills to breaking up an argument between Lucy and Mary. Lucy is peeved that Mary has signed up for all the same classes she has. Wait a second. What kind of a school lets freshmen start classes in February? Well, if it's a school that would accept Mary as a student, it's either the Learning Annex or Crawford Clown College. Lucy accuses Mary of digging through her stuff and copying her class schedule. Mary just shrugs vacuously, too dumb even to attempt to lie her way out of this one. StuporMom tries to defuse the situation by pointing out that freshmen often take the same classes. Lucy finds it hard to believe that Mary would choose a class called "The Sacred Quest," and quite frankly, I agree with her, especially when Lucy describes the course as "an exploration into the spiritual roots of each student's life in the context of various religious traditions." All is explained when Mary notes, "The professor is a total babe." What a role model that Mary is! Annie too. Her idea of parenting is to suggest that the girls "should work this out." Thanks for nothing, SuperMoron. Lucy informs Mary that she can't go out with her and her new best friends, Jill and Barb, this evening. Mary claims that the friends invited her, but Lucy says that Mary invited herself. Hey, who do you believe? Mary sure knows how to manipulate her gullible mother. She turns to Annie and insincerely whines, "I don't wanna get mixed up with the wrong crowd again." StuporMom looks alarmed at that possibility, and basically orders Lucy to bring Mary out with her. When Lucy grunts in frustration and leaves, Annie smiles as if her excellent parenting has somehow saved the day.

Ruthie walks into her old Hello Kitty room, looking to retrieve a few pieces of HK merchandise. Dopey looks distracted. He must be really out of it if he's not even fighting Ruthie to keep his beloved Hello Kitty stuff. With an admirably straight face, Barry Watson explains that Dopey has just received letters from the admissions offices of Columbia University and NYU, but he's afraid to read them. He says that if he doesn't get into one of those schools, he's not sure he wants to be a doctor. Well, that's pretty elitist and stupid. I guess his commitment to healing people is about as strong as Mary's desire to be a firefighter -- which is to say, about as strong as my interest in watching the rest of this scene. Ruthie encourages him to read the letters. Since he won't, she offers to read them for him. When she's done, she tells him she's not sure he's "ready" to hear the news. She runs off with the letters, and another inane excuse for a subplot is born.

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7th Heaven




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