Oh, no, it's far more evil than that. Mike leads them to a keg and pours Simon a full glass of beer! Since I find it hard to believe that anyone could actually find a keg of non-alcoholic beer to use as a prop, maybe this is a real keg that the writers used to help get them through this episode. Tom says, "But Mike, maybe he doesn't drink." Grateful for this out, Simon agrees that he doesn't drink. Mike mulls this over and then offers him some punch. Simon ladles out a big glass of punch and starts drinking, as Mike and Tom exchange amused looks. I'm glad someone's having fun.
Lucy has allowed Mary to accompany her and her newfound friends for the evening -- on the condition that Mary not embarrass her. Well, it sure didn't take Mary long to violate that promise, as she starts freaking out because they're meeting Jill and Barb in a bar! Lucy sensibly points out that one doesn't have to drink alcohol while in a bar. I may not get out all that often these days, but I've been to my share of bars over the years. And you know what? Lucy's right! Never once has anyone held a gun to my head and forced me to consume alcoholic beverages. Half-Pint insists that the fact that Lucy's friends invited her to a bar must mean they're "drunks," which is one of the more ridiculous things I've ever heard on this show.
Hey, here come the drunks now! I will say one thing for Mary: she is tenacious. Not many ideas actually pass through the vast wasteland that is her brain, but when one does, she holds tight to it. She reiterates, for Jill's and Barb's benefit, that this is a bar and that they are too young to drink. Actually, I'll venture to guess that Jill and Barb have not been too young to drink for many a year. In any case, Barb knows the bartender, and Jill insists that as long as she and Barb order the drinks, the bartender won't care if Lucy and Mary drink them. In this age of rampant litigation, I find that highly unlikely, but whatever. Lucy offers to buy the first pitcher, and Jill goes off to fetch it. Half-Pint pulls Lucy aside and asks her what she's doing. I wonder if Mary has any clue just how tedious a conversationalist she is. Lucy replies that she's hanging out with her "older, mature friends who like to drink." Mary is having a little problem with the whole cause/effect thing here, since she assumes that this automatically means that Lucy drinks also. Looking exceedingly dorky, Lucy says she doesn't, but that maybe tonight she will. Mary's face remains blank as she struggles valiantly to absorb all this new information.
Ruthie tortures Dopey some more about his admissions letters. As you've probably already guessed, this scene is more dull than Mary's intellect.