7th Heaven
Family Secrets

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Family Secrets

After many scenes of various family members sleeping -- incredibly dull, even by 7th Heaven standards -- we're supposed to realize that Dopey never came home. See? I told you he would have trouble finding the library. Next we see RevCam pacing worriedly in the kitchen, with the cordless phone in his hand. When Dopey finally comes in through the front door, RevCam yells, "Kitchen, now!" loud enough to wake the entire rest of the family. Or maybe they all woke up simultaneously because they psychically sensed the presence of a big emotional scene which is really none of their business, but on which they all want to eavesdrop anyway.

RevCam is yelling at Dopey while the rest of the brats eavesdrop from the landing of the kitchen stairs. Dopey is refusing to tell his father whose house he spent the night at; he just says he stopped to visit a female friend and fell asleep on her couch. Why he would refuse to divulge her name is beyond me, but let's just say I won't be losing any sleep over that question. RevCam tells Dopey he's grounded.

You know, up to this point, this episode has been okay -- not a work of art or anything, but borderline cute. You probably figured it would get creepy eventually, though, and now it does. Mary and Lucy are pacing back and forth in their bedroom, making a joint effort to piece together the details of where Dopey was the night before.. Does someone need to get a life? They're examining all the "facts" and coming up with the conclusion that Dopey spent the night with a girl and "made out with her all night," as Lucy puts it. Gawd, that's disturbing. It's sort of funny too, though, since by "making out," I have to assume they just mean kissing and nothing else. Hmm. No, actually, I think I was right the first time: the scene is more disturbing than anything else. Mary tells Lucy she's "far too young to play this game." Dude, is anyone ever old enough to seriously contemplate Matt's sex life?

Ruthie comes in and asks if Matt is in trouble. Mary and Lucy struggle valiantly to shield her from the tragic news that the CamRents are indeed mad at Dopey. God only knows what damage that kind of knowledge would inflict upon young, impressionable Ruthie otherwise. Ruthie insists that RevCam is upset because he only said, "Good morning," to her, instead of "Good morning, pumpkin." Good God, I need some painkillers.

Dopey walks into the bedroom he shares with Simon and the caterpillars that Simon wears for eyebrows. Simon gloats that Matt is "in really big trouble." In fact, he's thrilled that Dopey may be in "practically the kind of trouble you can get sent to jail for." I'm sorry, Simon, but in order to get sent to jail in Glenoak, you at least have to toilet-paper something. Nevertheless, he is still hoping that Dopey's woes will take the heat off himself when the CamRents find out that Happy is expecting puppies. Dopey bursts his bubble by pointing out that, if Simon tells them about Happy now, they'll take the anger they feel for Dopey and unleash it on Simon. Hence, Simon should wait until the CamRents have just heard some good news before he drops his bombshell. Since I'd really like to see someone kick Simon's annoying, loser ass right about now, I'm secretly hoping he elects not to follow Dopey's advice to stay quiet -- advice which is surprisingly good, considering the source. Simon starts prying into whether Dopey kissed the girl he spent the night with, but fortunately, a commercial break cuts this line of questioning short.

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7th Heaven

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