7th Heaven
Gabrielle Come Blow Your Horn

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Gabrielle Come Blow

CamHouse. A guitar plucks tunefully, reminding us that all is right under God. Or, you know, just really, really vanilla. RevCam lies on the bed, snuggling with the dog, channel-surfing in slothdom. Remember -- porn is only a sin if you get caught, or pay too much. SuperMom comes in, high-wattage smile blasting. She asks if he's "bored." No, he's watching TV. How could anyone possibly be bored while watching TV? He dully explains the intricacies of a soap opera to her. Oh, wow. Now I get it. Super Mom says she has "something better." Something better than television? I doubt that. Oh, right -- I forgot. She calls for Sam and David, and wouldn't it be cool if Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth burst into the room in spandex pants and tequila and stuff? The twins shamble in as if pushed by an invisible stage mom (possibly the Lord) and begin to sing a doped-up version of "Jesus Loves Me." Yeah. Did you know that Creed makes Jesus cry? It's true. RevCam listens to this with about as much pleasure as I, which if I have to spell it out for you, goes like "K-I-L-L M-E." The twins, like two soggy Nilla wafers, wind down their number, one banging his wrists together for "emphasis," the other looking around like he's a frustrated accountant at a Bennigan's happy hour and he ordered jalapeno poppers like twenty minutes ago, and where the fuck is that waitress with his Mike's Hard Lemonade, already? RevCam is all, that's great, kids, but he's "a little angry with Jesus right now," so could they go find their mother and sing the song to her? Because the twins are so special, they pretend to not understand and lurch into song again, swinging their bodies like Frankenstein. RevCam looks to the sky and does a pretty good imitation of someone silently cursing someone out. Yes, Jesus loves me.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you gooo! When the world don't treat you right? Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

Hold up -- special guest star Phyllis Diller? Okay, this might be good. Is it worth mentioning that, while I've seen the show, I never thought I'd ever guest-recap it? That, and I really hate it? I hate 7th Heaven because of the plodding pace and the super-overt morality. I live by the golden rule (look it up if you don't know) and don't like dogma. Plus every time I watched the show (except for the very great weed episode with the crazy musical joint that passed through everyone's possession, even the dog) there was a moment that made me insane. Like, "Honey, if you wear that half-shirt to the concert, everyone will think you're a slut and boys will rape you." I'm only paraphrasing a little. So yeah, big props to Cate and Sars, who offered to help me fill in the gaps if I'm not up on all the details. Remember, if this recap sucks, cc your hate mail to Sars.

CamHouse. Eric goes through the refrigerator studiously, sniffing every aluminum-foil-wrapped plate and peeling back every saran-wrapped casserole dish to inspect the contents. SuperMom is all, hey Eric! He ignores her. So she comes up right behind him and BOO! He jumps a mile, then pulls the earplugs out of his ears and says, "Don't DO that!" She gets this look on her puss like she's been so wronged and says she didn't MEAN to scare him. And why isn't he resting? He can't rest with all that horrible singing going on. "One more chorus of 'Jesus Loves Me' and [Eric] will stop caring." Me first. Really, I stopped caring first. She says she wanted to do something nice for him. He says a slice of Boston cream pie, a hot pot roast sandwich, and a day where he doesn't feel like he's going to crawl out of his skin would be nice. Hee, he said "pot." He absconds to his office, with Super Mom trailing behind him nervously. What is he going to do in his office? If she doesn't shut up, he's going to "lift weights and jump rope." The twins start singing again. He and I say simultaneously, "Make it stop."

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7th Heaven

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