Hey, remember when the opening credits featured just members of the Camden family? And no scary twins? When the show was bad because of its unrealistic, narrow-minded, Utopian presentation of The Good Christian Family and not because it was filled with a bunch of uninteresting, non-Camden characters, twenty-year-olds getting married just to have sex, and the worst writing ever? Those were some good times...well, better times, at least.
In today's Opening Credits Time-Waster, generic rock music plays as Simon and Stan play basketball in slow motion. There once was a time when I thought that slow motion could make anything look cool; that time ended when this scene began. Stan makes a basket in the "Paldin"-brand hoop, which obviously used to be "Spalding" until some crewmember put black tape over the first and last letters. They should have gone for the funny by calling it "Brenda's Hoop" or something like that. Although, if they're going to have Brenda-sponsored sports gear, I'd like to see a "Brenda's Dartboard," with a picture of her face serving as the bull's-eye. The scene changes to regular motion as Stan says that he wishes he didn't have to go home. Simon asks him to sleep over again, and says that he and Stan are going to figure out a solution to "that other stuff." I am on the edge of my seat wondering what Stan's Big Nightmare-Inducing Secret is. Well, actually I'm on the edge of my seat because I'm reaching for a nacho, but part of me does kind of wonder what the secret is, I guess.
Lucy talks excitedly on the lame clear phone, then hangs up. She doesn't exactly say "goodbye," but she does say "see you later," so I don't think I can count this as hanging up on someone. Mary says that Lucy gets way too "jazzed" about going to the mall. Lucy blabbers on about how great the mall is, and then, in an unbelievable show of patheticness, says that when she dies, she wants her ashes to be spread from "level eight." Wow, that is one huge mall! I mean, damn. Eight levels? They've got to have like seventeen Hot Topics! Ruthie suddenly asks the girls how fast one hundred miles an hour is, because it's important that everyone have some kind of subplot, no matter how uninteresting. Mary has trouble explaining it, but says she'll think of an answer "eventually." Ruthie wants clarification as to how long "eventually" is. Well, Ruthie, let's use math to figure this out:
(Relative Annoyingosity of Question Asker x Stupidity Coefficient of Question Answerer) / (Degree of Question Difficulty) = Length of "Eventually" (in years)