7th Heaven
Go Ask Alice

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Missing: Alice, and Eleven Cast Members

Opening credits. 7th Heaven is brought to you by Motrin IB. Thanks, Motrin, but I usually require stronger drugs than that to watch this show.

The Opening Credits Timewaster is introduced to us by an out-of-control jazzy piano solo. Martin vigorously polishes the kitchen table, then takes the dishes off of it and puts them in the sink. Who puts Pledge on their table before they've cleared it off? Martin does. RevCam looks on and thinks about how Asslee never does anything like this when she has dinner over. As Martin starts to polish the faucet, RevCam tells him to relax. Martin says all the cleaning is a product of his "military training," prompting RevCam to ask about Mr. Martin. "He's in Iraq," Martin says, clearing up any confusion for people who might not have watched his first episode where he explained all of this, while seeming like a repetitive idiot to anyone who has. RevCam asks Martin a few questions about where he's been all day, because that's how RevCam treats the people he really loves.

In the attic, Asslee and Ruthie discuss those stupid rumors about Martin. Um, doesn't Ruthie go to an entirely different school than Asslee and Martin? Wasn't that established not five minutes ago in this very episode? Are we supposed to believe that the gossip about Martin is so juicy that it has reached the middle school? Of course, Martin comes upstairs and listens in on their conversation. When he hears that Asslee suspects that the rumors are true, he looks irritated and goes back downstairs, where RevCam's warm and loving arms are waiting for him. Asslee tells Ruthie not to tell anyone what she "confided" in her. Last week, Ruthie hated Asslee, but now they're confiding in each other. How consistent. Ew, and what's up with Asslee's hair? It looks like a doll's hair. A doll who needs to buy herself a Split-Ender™.

Lucy talks smack about what a "witch" Principal Jones is while Kevin tries to hang his "American Gothic"-style wedding portrait. I don't see how she has any basis for comparison here, seeing as it was an entirely different principal who suspended her from school five seasons ago, but I guess we're not supposed to remember that. Despite the fact that the Millers live down the street from them, and that the Camdens were championing the cause of getting to know one's neighbors better a few episodes ago, Lucy doesn't know them very well and Kevin doesn't know them at all. He is, however, well-acquainted with those district-wide school parking lot regulations, and doesn't think that Principal Jones's enforcement of them qualifies her as a "witch." Lucy makes a series of funny faces.

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7th Heaven

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