7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Mary Kate, Ashley, and their Simon sandwich

Hey! RevCam actually works for a living! We can tell because this episode starts with him giving a sermon. He talking around the subject of him and Annie failing as Mary's parents, but no one's listening. They're all too busy gossiping about Mary. Grace Poole and the others tell each other what they heard -- that Mary's pregnant, that she's been institutionalized, that she's a drunk, that she ran away. In a way that's realistic, because churches are traditionally hotbeds of trash talking. However, at the church I attended as a teenager, we at least had the decency to wait until after Mass.

After the service, RevCam and Annie go to his office. Annie says, "I know it's only been a week, but I miss Mary." RevCam expresses regret over the way they shipped her off to his parents' house. Annie tells him not to beat himself up. At least they have the whole community supporting them, she says. She feels blessed. Just then, Grace Poole and some other woman walk down the hall, dishing dirt on the Mary's Pregnant theory. Eric and Annie overhear and are shocked, simply shocked.

Dopey Matt walks out of the church in his gray shirt and matching tie. Some chick in a wedding gown hops out of a limo and asks for directions to St. Monica's church. Matt can only smile and nod, presumably because this woman is supposed to be pretty. She's blonde and reminiscent of Chickenhead and the Stalkworthy Blind Girl. Her wedding ensemble is rather tacky. The dress is strapless, and she's wearing a marabou collar with dangling strands of fake pearls. Her long white gloves are trimmed with marabou, too. I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood was selling bridal-wear now. Matt finally catches his snap and gives the woman directions. She thanks him, smiling slinkily, and disappears. If you guessed that this is the beginning of another Stalking Subplot, then give yourself a little treat for being so clever.

Lucy and Ruthie serve punch to the parishioners. Two chicks walk up and ask if it's true that Mary's pregnant and on the run from the law. Lucy isn't about to share her family's business with them. They walk off, confounded, and Ruthie asks if Mary's really pregnant. Lucy explains that Katie and Chris just like to gossip. The sisters hate that everyone's talking about Mary. "We should have just killed her instead of sending her to live with Grandma and Grandpa," Ruthie says. Just kidding.

In another part of the after-service cookie-and-punch room, Funny Friend Luke tells Simon that he can use Mary's bad reputation to his advantage. "Bad is good! Bad is cool! Man, we're gonna ride your sister's rep all the way to Babetown!" Hey, now...calm down, Luke. He explains to Simon that girls love bad guys, and that the Murphy twins think Simon's bad. The Murphy twins are, of course, the Olsen twins. They smile at Simon in their sweaters and pearls. They're not as homely as I remembered. I guess they just had to grow into those faces.

Upstairs at the CamPound, Annie announces to Eric that she's planning to have dinner with an old boyfriend named Robin. Eric says no. Annie says, "Bitch, I didn't ASK you, I TOLD you." RevCam points out that it's not the best time for StuporMom to go on a "date," when "the whole town's gossiping about Mary." Annie says he's just in a bad mood because of the gossip. She tells him they should have expected it. "Rick Nelson," non-sequiturs RevCam. "When Rick Nelson died in a plane crash, all the papers ran articles claiming that drug use was responsible for the crash. When they finally figured out that the accident was caused by a faulty heater, no one listened. The truth wasn't as interesting as the fiction, so what do people remember? That Rick Nelson was a musical pioneer, that, to this day, he is the only artist ever to have a number one TV show, a number one album, and a number one single, all in the same week...no, they remember the rumor, the gossip." It should comfort RevCam to know that I don't remember Rick Nelson's music, his show, OR the gossip. However, I bet you anything he was smoking weed when the faulty heater caused the airplane crash. Annie tells Eric that he's right, but that she's still going out with Robin. She has some kind of guts. If I tried to pull that with my husband, fire would shoot out of his eyes and burn down our trailer.

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7th Heaven




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