7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Mary Kate, Ashley, and their Simon sandwich

At What's His Name's Pool Hall, swinging bachelors John and Matt discuss the mysterious tacky bride. Suddenly, she's there! She's talking on the pay phone, wearing her dress but none of the frou frou that went with it. She's not beautiful like the guys are saying she is. Her hair looks like it was soaked in ashy bleach and then cut with pruning shears. She struts up to Matt and says that he gives good directions. Then she kisses him. "I wanted to do that when I saw you earlier," she claims. Matt says okay. Then she runs her fingers through his ever-greasy hair, because she wanted to do that, too. She walks off, and Matt says, "I'm gonna marry that woman." John prompts him to run after her and get her name. Hopefully he'll get some herpes, too, while he's at it.

RevCam sits on his bed with his unplugged Gibson and a -- what is that, a DVD? -- about Rick Nelson. Ruthie walks in just in time to hear him singing about the girls he has in various ports. There's a pretty seƱorita in Mexico and a cute little Eskimo in Alaska. Oh, yeah. That's musical pioneering, all right. Rick Nelson opened the doors to international sexual objectification of women, it seems. Ruthie doesn't care about that song, though. She hops on the bed and asks her dad if Mary's pregnant. Eric denies all the rumors Ruthie heard at church. He assures her that Mary will be back soon and that everyone will realize the truth. Then he pumps up the non-jams again. I imagine the congregation's reaction to the truth: "The CamRents kicked their daughter to the curb for drinking half a beer? Damn, that's lame."

Remember Mike, the boy who tried to kill himself? The one who made the dating contract with Lucy? Well, he shows up at the CamDoor. Lucy lets him in, saying she forgot all about their study date that night. Mike hopes she didn't also forget about their Senior Dance date on Friday. She didn't. They converse about the Mary gossip. Mike has sawed off his mullet, I'm happy to report. He suggests that Lucy divert attention from Mary by giving the busybodies something else to talk about -- something like her relationship with Mike. "We could have sex on the front lawn of the school!" he offers. Just kidding. Lucy doesn't want to be the subject of gossip. Mike has another idea. She could start a pity-garnering rumor about her own family so that people will be too sympathetic to talk trash. Lucy asks if that worked for him. Mike didn't try it because he doesn't care if people talk about him. "Once you've spent some time in a mental hospital, you discover quickly that gossip is not the worst thing that can happen to you," he tells her. The first thing that comes to my mind is anal rape by evil orderlies. Sorry, but that was what I thought of when he said that. This show just brings out the bad-prison-movie connoisseuse in me, for some reason. We see that Ruthie has been eavesdropping on Lucy and Mike. The Acoustic Guitar of Stupid Subplot Foreshadowing playfully strums.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

7th Heaven




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP