7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | 2 USERS: C+
Thanks for Nothing

We open with a montage of Kevin taking his clothes on and off in front of a full-length mirror. Finally, he settles on a wifebeater, jeans, a black cap turned sideways, and a silver chain. I'd just like to say that this is the best segment of 7th Heaven I've ever seen. Sadly, it's ruined by the all-too-soon appearance of Lucy, who wakes up and asks Kevin if he's going to work as "Nelly," by which she must mean Nell E. Noonan, whose book Meditations for Church School Teachers she's probably familiar with. Surely she doesn't mean Nelly the rap artist, since we all know that rap is evil, so how would Lucy know who he is? Kevin says he's working undercover today. Lucy says she wants a hamburger. Two hamburgers. Two fresh, not frozen (what is it with this family's obsession with fresh, not frozen meat?) hamburgers, with ketchup and no buns, because Lucy and her baby are on the Atkins diet, apparently. Kevin points out that he's on his way to work and therefore doesn't have time to cook. "Your daughter's hungry, and so is your wife," says Lucy, pouting childishly. It's too bad we missed the scene where her legs get cut off, which is the only excuse I can think of for why she can't get the hamburgers her own damn self. Kevin agrees to get the hamburgers, only to be made fun of by the person he's doing an inconvenient favor for as Lucy points out that anyone over the age of fourteen who wears their cap sideways is a [makes an "L" shape with her fingers and places it against her forehead, which means "loser"]. Because doing the loser "L" is much cooler and less dated than the sideways cap. Humiliation of her doting husband nearly complete, Lucy requests French fries with her meal, then smiles and luxuriates in her bed and the fact that everyone does everything for her. The only excuse I can think of for her behavior in this scene is that the writers didn't want their delicate audience to be too upset when she has her medical emergency. Well, mission accomplished.

Kevin walks into the CamKitchen, where we see Matt "Can't Come Home Because of Medical School And Yet Here I Am" Camden enjoying a leisurely breakfast. Kevin is displeased to find that there is no hamburger in the CamFridge: "I hate it when Mom goes out of town," he says, "why can't anyone else buy groceries?" Why indeed? Why can't, say, the guy who regularly steals them be the one to replenish the stock every once in a while? So many questions, so few plotlines with merit. Matt pretends to care about Kevin's dilemma. He expositions that RevCam, Annie and the twins are driving home from visiting Ginger, and Kevin whines that it's dangerous to drive on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you're driving to the market to buy him groceries. Then it's totally safe, and encouraged. Matt checks out Kevin's wardrobe and immediately guesses that Kevin's going undercover as a drug dealer, but says that maybe the other drug dealers will be "too high" to notice that Kevin's obviously a cop. It would be kind of funny if Kevin had turned around and told Matt that maybe if/when he becomes a doctor and one of his patients dies, the surviving family members will be too grief-stricken to seek vengeance on the doctor who couldn't keep their relative alive. Kevin's pager goes off, and he leaves for work, asking Matt to make some food for Lucy. "Be careful out there," Matt Sgt. Phil Esterhauses.

Kevin leaves, and Matt starts to talk to himself. "Hamburger…Simon!" he says, rushing off. I don't know how or why Matt equated Simon to hamburgers, other than the fact that it gave him an excuse to go to Simon's room and see that his brother isn't there, nor does he appear to have slept there. Sad music plays, and Matt sighs. I sigh too. It's another episode of Matt the Big Brother-Doctor-Savior. Shouldn't he be in med school? Damn it!

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7th Heaven




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