7th Heaven
Healing Old Wounds

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Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
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Soldier Boy

The WB wants us to know that on an all-new 7th Heaven, we can "catch" Ashley Simpson, who Teen People says will be "big in 2004." I expect millions of people were about to turn their televisions off before hearing that ringing endorsement from Teen People, that noted arbiter of quality. Even the WB voice-over guy can barely suppress the "whatever" in his voice. The only upside I can think of in "catching" the horribly wooden Ashley Simpson ("Jessica's sister," we are reminded) is to see if near-debilitating stupidity is indeed genetic.

Fade up on...

Sorry. Having seen this episode once already, I need to steel myself a little bit more than usual. And by "steel myself," I mean "drink."

Okay. Fade up on the Campound, with Annie in the kitchen cooking. RevCam strolls in and starts nuzzling her, and she snaps that if he wants to "make up for inviting a thousand people over for dinner," he can start by washing the dishes. This says a little bit more than I think we want it to about the Camden marriage; to wit, RevCam's idea of making up for dumping a load of work on his wife is to give her a good rogering. Ick. And despite her snapping at him, he actually shrugs off her suggestion of washing the dishes, and says he had "something else" in mind, like NO SHIT YOU DID, and Annie irritatedly lists all housework and other such servile duties she had to do that day, to suggest that she doesn't feel like doing "something else," and RevCam says, "Got it," and wanders off, saying he's going to see how "things are going" in the back yard. Oh, I see. Sexual urges denied, he won't even wash the dishes for his harried wife. "I know why you're going out there," Annie calls after him, and RevCam doesn't even answer her.

In walks Lucy, who says that the men out in the back yard are "shameful," and that they're just stirring up trouble between Roxanne and Betsy (whoever Betsy is) and "enjoying every minute of it," and Annie can barely look up from the swill she's stirring to say, "Kevin too, huh?" and Lucy says that Kevin says he's only out there to stop a fight if one starts. "What are we going to do with them?" says Annie, in this affectionate, indulgent way, and Lucy's eyes bug out as she calls it "annoying," and all I can say is that anyone is an expert on annoying, it's Lucy. And Annie makes this "hmmmm" face, so Lucy asks her what she's thinking, and Annie throws out some garbage about how a "sexy young designer" and a "hot cop" have nothing over them, since they're the wives and their husbands are their husbands or some ridiculous thing like that, and I hate to tell you, but if this Betsy is as "sexy" as Roxanne is "hot," then you two are in serious trouble, because Roxanne is all kinds of cute. Lucy puts on a brave face and says she's going to be with Kevin every night for the rest of her life, and then undermines herself by saying, "Unless he leaves me for Roxanne or Betsy," which I think was supposed to be funny.

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7th Heaven

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