7th Heaven
Healing Old Wounds

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Soldier Boy

Just then, who should show up, but one of the U.S.'s men in uniform. I guess this must be the oft-mentioned Marine who is Martin's Dad. Betsy's quite happy to see him, as she jumps into his arms. Roxanne's smile and the cascading arpeggios indicate that she's happy to see him as well, and she totally checks him out. Martin's dad tells Betsy (who is his sister, but is hanging off him like they're a little too close) that he just drove up from the base, and wonders if he has time to change before dinner. He's stopped cold by Roxanne, and says he doesn't believe they've met. Roxanne says nothing, and waits for an irritated Betsy to say, "This is Roxanne. She hates war." Boy, that isn't a completely contrived setup line at all. That Marine will sure set the war-hating Roxanne straight, I warrant you! "Don't we all," says the Marine. WHAAAAAAA---? Wow! Brenda Hampton, I'm sold. I hate war too, and therefore I assumed that the fighting men and women of the U.S. armed forces love war. But you're presenting such a nuanced portrait of this Marine, that I'm totally coming around! And nice move casting Costas Mandylor! He was just poured into that uniform!

Opening credits and commercials. I realize it's tough for Planters to make Mr. Peanut seem hip to today's crowd, what with the top hat and monocle and all, but it's going to take slightly more than showing him breakdancing to the Bay City Rollers. Call me crazy.

And how weird that with all of Annie's bitching about having to cook dinner for a thousand people, we don't actually get to see that dinner. Instead, we get this really weird silent procession of everybody getting up from the dinner table and filing into the kitchen to deposit their plates. I mean, in my family there are only five people, and our Sunday dinners were generally rather raucous affairs with all of us talking non-stop, yet here it's like a monastery. Not that that's a bad thing, since the dialogue on this show is always so bad, but I'm just saying it was weird. Especially since no one, and I mean NO ONE, offers to start help cleaning up, despite the fact that the majority of them are guests in the house. If my mom knew that I'd been over to someone's house for dinner and didn't immediately roll up my sleeves after dinner and set to work on the dishes, I'm sure she'd die of embarrassment for having raised the Worst Son Ever, but here Camdens and Non-Camdens alike scatter, except for Annie and RevCam who look at each other and tiptoe back to the dining-room door, where they eavesdrop on Roxanne and Martin's dad, whose name we still don't know, talking about the war, with Roxanne saying the U.S. can't just go around the world policing everybody: "To most of the world, we're the bad guys. People hate us, and this is why they hate us." No, 7th Heaven is why they hate you. This is clear to me now. Roxanne touches on all the hot buttons like, "Only we're allowed nuclear weapons?" and "Only we're allowed chemical weapons?" and even gets into the whole "Bush is only president because of his governor brother" thing. Martin's Dad -- who has the longest hair of any Marine I've ever met -- says, "I couldn't agree less." "What?" says Roxanne. And then he says, "I couldn't agree less, love," and then he kisses her. I swear to God, this is what he does. And then he punctuates all his non-arguments by kissing her, in what has to be one of the stupidest scenes I've ever seen on any television show ever, and keep in mind I recapped Bachelorettes In Alaska: Looking For Love. Martin's Dad touches on his "twenty years' experience in an area [Roxanne] knows nothing about." He sarcastically asks if she thought the U.S. was going to let terrorists rule the world while the U.N. debates how to stop them. And if she doesn't think Saddam Hussein had anything to do with September 11, she's naïve. Hmmm. "Naïve," eh? That's certainly a good point, but I'm not sure Roxanne's convinced. Oh, he's not done. She's "very naïve." And then he kisses her again, because nothing turns a woman on more than having her arguments dismissed with insults. Oh, and that whole rigged-election thing? "At this point, who cares?" he says. Good point, Brenda Hampton -- I mean, "Martin's Dad." Only, the answer is, MANY, MANY PEOPLE. Martin's Dad goes on about how Bush is a good man and a real leader and he didn't enter into the Iraq action lightly (snort) and thank God he decided to "go after" Saddam Hussein, and the majority of Iraqis are quite glad the U.S. is there and blah de blah blah blah. Roxanne and Martin's Dad make out some more. "Am I boring you?" he says, and strangely, she says no, and they make out some more. At this point, even Toby Keith turned off his television in disgust.

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7th Heaven




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