7th Heaven
Healing Old Wounds

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Soldier Boy

Taking this all in are, of course, Annie and RevCam (even Happy was watching the show), and RevCam cracks that the Marine plans to win over America one person at a time, and Annie says she thought he was here to talk to Martin about whether he should play professional baseball or go to college, and how weird that Annie feels she needs to remind RevCam what the Marine needs to talk to Martin about, and RevCam shrugs, "In life, as in war, I guess sometimes plans change." Yeah, so instead of giving his son some guidance on his future, he swaps spit with a stranger after dinner at another stranger's house. Okay. RevCam wouldn't be too quick to judge, because it would get in the way of him and his Holy Penis saying something about passion being "contagious," and Annie says she "couldn't agree more," and RevCam points out that there are people all over the house, and Annie says there's no one in the basement, and I wonder if that means there are people in their BEDROOM, for God's sake, but whatever turns you on, Annie. RevCam says he thought she was tired from all the housework, and she says she's not tired, since he helped her clean up the kitchen, which he DIDN'T DO AT ALL, but if Annie wants to reward her husband for ogling two young women by fucking him in the basement while their guests mill about the house, that's their business, I guess.

Outside, Vic and Paris are talking, Vic casually saying it might be good for him to join the Marines, and then he jumps all over Paris for agreeing with him, what with her talk that it might give him some self-discipline and sense of purpose, and he points out that he got sober, which requires self-discipline. Excuse me? You're a quitter! Anyone can quit! It takes self-discipline to stick with the alcohol when it's ruining your life! Or, if you're drinking while watching 7th Heaven as I do, or while writing the recap, as I do, or while trying to recover from the horror, as I am, then...where was I? I don't know, Vic picks a fight with Paris over her being glad that he got self-discipline and got sober while he was far away from them, or something, and I'm not sure what his point is -- something about Vic's getting a job in Glenoak to be close to Peter, but I don't know if we're even supposed to care...

...because we're now taken to Chandler and Kevin skulking about in the bushes for some reason. Even Kevin doesn't know, and he asks Chandler, and Chandler's all blaming this blatant eavesdropping on Kevin's suggestion that they take the garbage cans out to the street, which might be a little more believable if they, you know, HAD GARBAGE CANS. And Chandler says he thought Kevin was using code for "let's get out of the house and have a drink," and Kevin's all, "why do you think you need a drink?" And Chandler's resorting to drinking because of Roxanne's fight with the Marine at dinner, which couldn't have been all that traumatizing, since Roxanne's been making doe eyes at the Marine ever since he showed up. And then Chandler suggested a "shortcut around the house," since he thought it would get them to a drink faster, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS. Kevin points out that Chandler doesn't drink, "except for the occasional beer at the pool hall," which I hate to tell Kevin means that Chandler does in fact drink, and Chandler says that Vic makes him want a drink, and Kevin says that, if anything, Vic should make him not want to drink since he's a recovering alcoholic. "A recovering alcoholic who's with the woman I love!" says Chandler; he then asks Kevin if he thinks Paris will go back with him, and Kevin says he thinks they have a beer in the fridge. "Forget it, I don't need it. Alcohol's not the answer to anything," he says. I swear he says that. I know you think I'm paraphrasing and that we're supposed to be subtly reminded that people shouldn't turn to alcohol to solve their problems, but I swear to god he just said, "Alcohol's not the answer to anything." Public service announcement delivered, Kevin and Chandler scurry off to go have sex in the basement, which is the answer, such as I understand this show. Oh, but before they go? Chandler asks Kevin what Paris sees in Vic. "He's Peter's father," says Kevin, as if that's self-evident. Not, "He's funny." Not, "He's a nice guy." Not, "She's impressed that he's cleaned himself up." No. He's Peter's father. And therefore, she must stay with him, even if he's an obnoxious alcoholic.

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7th Heaven




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