7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D | Grade It Now!

We start off in the hallowed halls of good old Crawford College, where Matt's chemistry teacher is handing back some tests. These are just practice tests, though, and they don't count. Golly, that sure is nice of the teacher! At most schools, pre-med is so competitive that introductory science courses are used to weed students out, not nurture their self-esteem. I'm glad Crawford Clown College is a kinder place; I just know that I wouldn't let Matt within fifty yards of me with a scalpel -- or a bottle of seltzer, for that matter. The prof attempts a little stand-up routine but it fails miserably. He fares a bit better at hammering home this scene's Important Message, which is that one must study hard in order to be a doctor. Wow, that's some news flash. By the way, Matt received a 'D' on the test. Since 'D' is the first letter in "Dopey," it's obviously a shout-out to me. Aw, thanks! After all the shout-outs they gave Gwen last week, I'm glad they still love me too.

I wonder if the writers have ever had to deal with a car insurance company in real life. I'm guessing not, since they expect us to believe that Mary got her insurance company to extend the deadline for her insurance payment. But maybe I'm just not giving RevCam enough credit; he may be important enough to control the insurance company, the same way he controls the police. Someone needs to revoke the charter of Mary's charm school, and fast. She is ruder than ever as she yells at her insurance rep from a payphone at the pool hall. A co-worker tells her to get back to work, adding that the manager is unhappy with her. Him and Aaron Spelling both, I'm sure. The insurance rep has wisely hung up on her ass.

In the CamKitchen, Eric is making dinner so Annie can study. In his hand is a casserole, onto which he's sprinkling either fairy dust or smooshed-up potato chips. We learn that the casserole is of the tuna persuasion. We also learn that Mary won't be home for dinner and that she has been stiffing the CamRents for the room and board they've started charging her. Considering dinner is Eric's tunafish concoction, it seems that Mary's just showing some good judgment for a change. Lucy, Ruthie, and Simon arrive home from school. Lucy is clad entirely in particularly skanky-looking pleather; RevCam doesn't bat an eyelash. His shirt-stapling fit from last week's episode must have been an anomaly. Ruthie, who's wearing a pleather jacket, gives her parents a summons from her school principal. She brushes off their questions and asks if they've been able to get her out of Miss Riddle's class. When RevCam replies that they're "working on it," Ruthie orders him to "work faster." She rolls her eyes and walks out of the room. Sure, I roll my eyes at the CamRents too, but not right in front of them, jeez. Simon "The Eyebrows of Oscar the Grouch" Camden needs a signature on his tardy slip. I notice he's wearing no pleather. He says he hates high school. I bond with him for a millisecond over that, then come to my senses again. I blame it on the fact that I'm feeling vulnerable because I've got a cold. But I want to make it at least to the opening credits before I start self-medicating with lemon, honey, and rum. Oops -- we're out of lemon and rum, so I guess I'll have to make do with beer. Lucy's all chipper as she oh-so-annoyingly brags about not being in trouble and loving high school. She starts to tell us why she loves high school so much. "I was..." she says, then stops to wait for the doorbell to ring and "interrupt" her in mid-sentence. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it might be this week's special guest star at the door. For some unexplained reason, the CamRents must answer the front door together. They rudely leave their forlorn-looking daughter in the kitchen to finish her announcement for the benefit of Happy and the twins. Are you ready? Lucy was nominated for Homecoming Queen. I know, I'm pretty underwhelmed too. The editors cut in some unrelated footage of one of the twins clapping and Happy barking while Lucy pretends to be grateful for their "support."

Well, whaddaya know, I was right! This week's special guest star is at the door, and right before the opening credits. It's the Colonel, a.k.a. Eric's father. That's rather unfortunate.

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7th Heaven




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