7th Heaven
Help

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Help

Annie's studying again, this time in the kitchen. You know, this is either the hardest course in the world or she is incredibly stupid, because it seems like she has done nothing but study for a week now. The Colonel comes into the room, alleging that he's just spent time with the twins. I'm sure he's lying, though. Annie says, "You don't think I should be going to school, do you?" It turns out the Colonel is very supportive of Annie's educational pursuits, and he gives a nice speech to that effect. Of course, the conversation turns to Mary not going to college. The Colonel thinks the CamRents should force her to go; the CamRents disagree. Haven't we heard this conversation about four or five times already, just in this episode alone?

It's a sunny day in the park. Children run around with balloons. Man, I always thought scenes like this existed only in the imagination of some Royal Doulton figurine sculptor. Mary sits on a park bench. A pervy-looking old guy stops and stares. "Hey, didn't I see you virtually naked in Gear magazine back in the spring?" he asks. Okay, he doesn't, and actually, we know he's not gonna molest anyone because the perky song stylings of some Kenny G impersonator are playing in the background. Ol' Perv sits next to Mary and tries to strike up a conversation. Mary flips out and starts telling him her life story. Lovely. While she repeats the same old crap, I'll take this opportunity to suggest that, for a show that seems to pride itself so much on inspiring people to follow its teachings, it might not be such a hot idea for them to have Mary chatting it up with just any old pervy-looking guy who initiates a conversation in the park. Sometimes that's not the safest course of action for a young woman alone. But what do I know? I'm just a lowly heathen. Oh, is Mary done already? That was relatively quick. Now it's time for Ol' Perv to give one of the funnier speeches I've ever heard on the show. He tells her about his son, who spent two years after college looking for a job before he finally found a good one. I'll bet that wouldn't have possible if he didn't go to college. And you know, when Young Perv was lonely and depressed after college, Ol' Perv used to tell him that "no matter what happens to him in his life, he'll always have his college degree to fall back on." Ol' Perv may have said some other college-related stuff, but we were too busy rolling on the floor with laughter to hear it if he did. And you know, falling off my chair with mirth was pretty darn lucky, because I narrowly missed the entire crate of anvils the writers tried to drop on my head to hammer in their point about college. Mary admits the unthinkable: that she might not be going to college. Ol' Perv's mouth forms a perfect "O" of shock and dismay. He pats her shoulder compassionately, then leaves before her non-college-going aura can contaminate him. I know I've slagged her in the past, but I admire Jessica Biel for being able to get through this incredibly stupid scene without cracking up.

After I take the commercial break to regain my composure, I'm quickly sobered by the prospect of another scene with Dopey and John. Dopey's folding laundry and procrastinating; John's lecturing him about passing the blame and not asking for help. And "Help" is, after all, the title of this episode. I think they should make like PeeWee's Playhouse and have a big to-do every time the word or theme of the day is mentioned. It would liven things up considerably. I just don't have a whole lot of patience with this subplot. It's not that I don't understand procrastination. Some of my favourite activities the night before writing an exam used to be shaving my legs, dusting things that hadn't been dusted since my last big exam, and figuring out the bare minimum grade I'd need on the exam in order to pass the course. It's just that I didn't delude myself so pathetically over the fact that I was procrastinating, and I was fortunate enough to have friends who knew to stay out of my business. I think we're done here.

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7th Heaven

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