7th Heaven
Here Comes Santa Claus

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Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
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Jingle Hell

We open on the usual exterior shot of the CamPound, which is completely devoid of any and all Christmas decorations. What the hell, Camdens? My mom's Jewish, and even she decorates the house for Christmas (admittedly, that's mostly so that our KKK member next-door neighbors don't try to burn our house down. Again). We hear the opening strains of "Jingle Bell Rock," then cut to the CamKitchen, where Annie is baking up a storm and Ruthie is dancing in a way that is supposed to be cute, but isn't, since Ruthie wouldn't be cute even if she was sitting in a field of kittens and bunnies. I don't even think this is the Hall and Oates version of "Jingle Bell Rock," but the original one from the fifties. Brenda Hampton sure does love her jams from the fifties that were re-done in the eighties. Simon cruises on into the kitchen wearing a goofy smile and candy-cane pajamas that are so small on him that they've turned into a long-sleeved bare midriff and pants so tight that every candy cane is clearly visible. As in, every single candy cane or outline thereof can be seen by even the most casual of observers. Why, exactly, hasn't Brenda been arrested for child pornography yet? Simon watches his mom dance about the kitchen while his sister places her hand precariously close to the hot cookie sheet. While I'm all in favor of Ruthie burning her face off, I think Annie might want to consider taking a few mothering classes. Simon admonishes his sister and mother's dancing skills, electing to give them a visual presentation of what dancing really is -- a combination of the rolling-arms thing you do in a conga line, a half-assed attempt at the Moonwalk, and the Robot. What, no Shopping Cart? In a brave effort to save whatever's left of her brother's dignity, Ruthie turns the music off. Annie offers to buy Simon some new pajamas that don't hug his curves quite so enthusiastically. Simon says that they don't make pajamas with candy canes on them in his size. I think there's a lesson to be learned there, pal. A lesson that concerns not wearing clothes that show off that unattractive woman-esque ass you've got going on there.

Mary and Lucy enter the house and complain that RevCam is "out of control." I guess they actually caught him stalking them this time. Annie takes this as her cue to bust out in song, belting out two lines of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Then she abruptly stops, so as to allow Jessica Biel to say her line about how RevCam is forcing her to volunteer at a soup kitchen. The Complaintrain makes its regularly scheduled stop in Lucyville as she moans about how she's being forced to put the church live nativity scene together. What's a live nativity scene? Is that like a pageant? I hope we don't have to see it, if it is. Simon says that Lucy's job is easy -- the Camdens always get stuck doing the live nativity scene because no one else wants to do it. Matt enters, and Annie tells him to meet RevCam in the garage. Simon wishes Matt luck, saying that the last two people who went in the garage "came out with jobs." Matt groans, then makes fun of Simon's pajamas. Wow, when the Camdens are making fun of your clothes, you must be wearing something pretty damn hideous. Simon asks Annie when they're putting up the Christmas lights. Annie's like, "After I give birth to these two humongous babies I've got inside of me, fool." Simon volunteers to do it himself. "You can't even dress yourself!" Mary says, which would have been funnier if she hadn't said it while her mouth was stuffed with food. Now it's just gross and, frankly, rude. But isn't that the essence of Mary?

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