7th Heaven
Here Comes Santa Claus

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Jingle Hell

RevCam wraps a present as Simon complains that he hasn't found a good present for Ruthie that will restore her belief in Santa Claus. RevCam suggests prayer. Simon says that surgeons don't practice on their own children. RevCam apologizes for thinking of the man who put the "Christ" in "Christmas." Well, he is a pastor. He should think of Jesus once in a while. Even if it is only once in eight seasons. Present wrapped, RevCam leaves, giving Simon the opportunity to take a knee and talk to God. First, he thanks God for delivering on the last thing he prayed for -- Happy. That's worked out well, Simon says, except for the time Happy got hit by the car. Hey, maybe God wouldn't have run your dog over if you hadn't waited three years to thank him for giving her to you. Simon asks God to get him something that will restore Ruthie's faith in Santa, because if she believes in Santa, she'll be able to work up to bigger things, like him. That's terrible logic; first of all, there's a common Christian argument that the hype Santa always gets overshadows the fact that the holiday is about Jesus, and completely takes away the holiday's significant religious value. And secondly, if Ruthie's faith in God is based on her ability to believe in people like Santa, then what happens when she inevitably finds out that Santa doesn't exist? Anyway, the point is moot since we all know that Ruthie only believes in Satan. Speaking of the Child of Darkness, she bounds downstairs and into the kitchen, followed by Annie. Ruthie asks Simon what he's doing. Simon says he's washing the floor. Annie leans over and seductively whispers into Simon's ear that his washing the kitchen floor is the best Christmas present he could have given her. Then she gives him a long kiss on the cheek. What is up with those two today? Simon looks horrified, either because his mom was just totally coming on to him, or because he now has chores to do. He gives God a sarcastic laugh. He's gonna get smited so hard for that.

Here's a horrifying sight -- a hugely pregnant woman and Stephen Collins doing some sort of bump and grind to "Jingle Bell Rock." Fortunately for me, the kids pile in and announce that it's time to open presents, even though it's Christmas Eve. Ruthie demands that she go first, because she has no manners. Simon tells Ruthie that her gift hasn't arrived yet. Ruthie asks if it's too late to switch present givers. My hate for Ruthie reaches new depths. The CamRents laugh as if what Ruthie just said wasn't bratty and ungrateful. Simon says that in the meantime, he'd like Ruthie to have his ratty old candy cane pajamas. She says that "it's about time." It's about time you got hit in the face, troll. Matt gives Simon his present. It's fifty bucks. Matt says he got some money from his job, and he figured the best thing to do with it was to give Simon "some of the money [he] owed [him]." If money is the ultimate "fuck you" present, then what's money that is already owed to you? Lucy says her gift was Mary calling Jordan and clearing up Shoeshinegate '98 (and just how did Lucy know that Mary even did that? We'll never know). Even though no one asked or really cares, Lucy tells them what Jordan gave her Christmas -- the very cheap gift of expressing one's love. RevCam makes a snide comment, earning an elbow to the ribs from Annie. Careful, Annie! In just one season, that kind of behavior could give your husband a massive heart attack! Lucy gives Mary her gift -- she's going to volunteer at the soup kitchen every Saturday for the next three months. Mary reminds her that the soup kitchen is running low on its supply of attractive male co-workers. "Who?" Matt says, in a lazy throwaway line that adds nothing to the story. Lucy says she didn't do it for the Latin hotties, as she's in love.

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7th Heaven

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