7th Heaven
Here Comes Santa Claus

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Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
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Jingle Hell

Lucy opens the door. It's Jordan, of course! They wish each other a Merry Christmas, and then Lucy starts in with the whining about how Jordan's not going to be in town for their first Christmas together. Jordan says he's "not exactly thrilled to be spending the holidays with [his] Uncle Sal and his monkey." "Monkey"? I'm not sure what's worse -- whatever monkey is possibly being used as a euphemism for, or the possibility that Sal has an actual pet monkey, whose hijinks I will be forced to watch. And why does everyone on this show have a pet monkey? The only person I've ever known who had a pet monkey is my granddad, and that was only when he lived in Africa, where they're slightly more common. The monkey's name was Jock, and they kept him tied to a post with a little house on top of it in the backyard. Sometimes Jock would escape and climb onto the roof of the family house, and then throw stuff at Granddad and his sister when they tried to recapture him. Granddad says that monkey hijinks are more painful than they are funny. I agree. Jordan says that Uncle Sal is "the closest thing [his] family's got to a grandparent -- and a cousin." Huh? Are they inbred? That explains a lot. He pulls a big box out from behind his back, saying that he wanted to give Lucy her present before he left. Lucy's all, "Um...oh...I thought we weren't going to exchange gifts until after you got back..." because she was totally planning to hit up the stores during the after-Christmas sales and hasn't bought his gift yet. Lucy lies that she already got his present, but she hasn't wrapped it yet. Ruthie wanders in and offers to keep Jordan company while Lucy wraps his present, because Ruthie is pure evil. Luckily for Lucy, Jordan doesn't have time to wait. Lucy notices Ruthie glaring at her and asks what her deal is now. Ruthie not-so-innocently wonders where Jordan's gift is. Lucy doesn't answer, because, you know, there is no gift. "That's what I thought!" says the Evil One, patting Lucy on the arm and skipping off merrily. I sprinkle some holy water on my television, just to be safe.

And now we're in the "Glenoak Soup Kitchen." Enjoy it while it lasts, because this little fixture of the Glenoak community will never be seen again after this episode! RevCam leads Mary inside while she bitches and moans about how she has better things to do on her vacation than help other people. RevCam tells her to shut it, pointing out that a lot of people have it worse than Mary, but since Mary's a self-centered twit, she doesn't pay attention. Eric asks what she thinks Annie might want for Christmas. "Shouldn't you have had some idea before you guys cheated again?" Mary says. Ha! That's what you get for screwing your own kids over, Rev! RevCam doesn't need Mary's help in the end, as he thinks of a gift idea all by himself. He can get Annie a nice chain for the cross her dead mother left her. Mary asks how exactly RevCam plans to make a chain, since the Camden Christmas bowl rules say that the present has to be hand-made, and since he was the one who made the rules, he should really follow them. I'm completely baffled as to why RevCam and Annie even pretend to participate in that if they're not going to observe any of the rules. Great example to set for your kids, though, CamRents. I guess that's why they turned out so damn wonderful. A lady wearing an apron walks up and asks if Mary is her new "little helper," which isn't condescending in the least. "It's good to be king!" RevCam blurts out randomly, while the lady looks at him like, "What are you talking about?" and Mary looks at him like, "I hate you."

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