7th Heaven
Here Comes Santa Claus

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
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Jingle Hell

In the mall, a bratty little girl demands that Matt repeat her list of toys back to her. Her desires are so five years ago, y'all: a Princess Diana beanie baby, a Titanic video set, and a charm bracelet, although Matt can't remember what charms she wants on it. So she starts to kick him in the shins while the bitter elf looks on in sheer delight. As do I.

Annie and Carlos enter the garage, where Lucy's hanging out for some unknown reason. I thought Carlos was in the kitchen with RevCam, but whatever. It's become painfully obvious that nothing in today's episode is going to make sense, and as long as the characters continue to get hit by buses, I'm fine with that. Annie introduces Lucy to Carlos, saying that he'll be "camping out" in their garage. Hey, that sucks! If you're going to put someone up for the holidays, you might as well do it right. At least let the poor guy sleep on the couch. I mean, damn, he did just get run over by a bus. Lucy squeaks and runs away. Simon comes out of nowhere and shakes Carlos's hand, saying that he's sorry the garage is such a mess, but he's been working in there, as if anyone cares. Annie expresses her doubts about Simon's inside-the-house lighting scheme, wondering if the lights are too bright for indoor use. Simon says he's solved this problem by not replacing the burnt-out bulbs. But...won't none of the lights work if one of the bulbs is burnt out? Isn't that the whole pain in the ass of putting up Christmas lights? I know Brenda doesn't venture out into the real world very often, but she must read "Garfield" every once in a while, and that's got a joke about burned out Christmas lights every year. Oh, man, this one time, Garfield tried to find out which bulb was burnt out by placing Odie's tongue on each socket!!! Oh, the hilarity! I didn't think I would EVER stop laughing! Hmm...I think my standards of comedy have dropped since I've started recapping this show. Annie leaves, and Simon asks Carlos if "they hang lights where [he's] from," obviously thinking that Carlos's "weird" name and slightly ethnic looks mean that he's from a different country, because Simon is an ignorant little jerk. Carlos says he's from New York, and thus very familiar with lights. He should have just said he was from Mexico and no comprendo ingles, because now he has to help Simon hang lights. Simon asks Carlos if he's ever seen "Cats, the musical?" Right, as opposed to Cats, the play, in which two cats sit around picking at balls of yawn for two hours. It's very avant-garde. Carlos says he's a self-respecting New Yorker, and so would not be caught dead going to Cats. Simon says that the Cats cats aren't real cats, and isn't that just amazing? Not if you've ever watched Zoobilee Zoo, it isn't. Did David Gallagher piss in Brenda Hampton's coffee or something? First he's wearing tiny PJs and now he's talking about how awesome a Broadway musical is. Poor kid must have gotten beaten up after school for weeks following the original airing of this episode.

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7th Heaven

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