Hello and welcome to another season of 7th Heaven recaps. It's been a long, hot, smarmless summer, hasn't it? I hope you behaved yourselves according to Camden principles. I sure did. I wore tight t-shirts and made sassy, unfunny remarks at every opportunity. Sadly, though, my recap partner Cate didn't learn last season's lessons. She tried a cigarette, flipped a two-handed bird, and got a hickey. That's why Sars said I could write the recap for the premiere. Tough break, Cate, but you've got to learn.
The episode starts with Annie "StuporMom" Camden and Eric "RevCam" Camden sitting cross-legged on their bed. "I signed up for school today," Annie gleefully confides. "What school?" Eric asks. Why, Crawford University, of course. There's only one college in town worth going to, and it's called Crawford. If it's good enough for Matt "LardHead" Camden and every other twentysomething on the show, it's good enough for StuporMom, right? Annie says she's going to get her teaching certification. "Now?" says Eric densely. Annie nods and snorts as if she just took a really harsh bong hit. Eric reminds her that they have seven kids. Annie goes, "Oh, really? Is that what that major vaginal pain was? Thanks for letting me know." Oh, wait, no -- she says something about how the older ones are old enough to take care of themselves and the twins are the only little ones left. Eric says that Matt is still actually a child. Annie refutes this, saying that Matt and his girlfriend Heather are "practically married." "No, they're not," argues RevCam. "That's just what we tell each other every time we get nervous that those two might be shacking up." Ooh..."shacking up"! Shades of Soap in the seventies! Eric's fumbling with a bottle, which I assume is his anti-heart-attack prescription. He expresses hope that their daughter Mary will soon tire of her series of minimum-wage jobs and join Matt in college. Annie's not buying it. Eric carps about having to pay so much tuition, including Annie's. He starts flaking out over Simon's, Ruthie's, and the twins' foreseen behavioral problems. "So what are you saying?" Annie asks him. "That the whole family's so dangerous that I can't take one or two hours away from them to take one course?" Eric gives her one of his wimp shrugs. "I'm going back to college," she grinds, doing the first of her many, many jack-o-lantern-like facial expressions this hour. Eric puts on his robe to go downstairs. Annie advises him to get some sleep so he can watch the twins while she's gone in the morning. "Of course," he passive-aggressifies, stalking out of the room. Annie ruins any chutzpah she almost might have shown by sticking out her tongue at his back. He comes back to ask when she'd been planning to tell him about her class. She says she'd planned to tell him just when she told him. "Well, thank you, Mrs. Camden," Eric says, causing her to pout us into the credits as she retires for the evening in full make-up.
Oh my gosh! Lucy's new opening-credit cleavage almost blinded me! But oh, how I missed that raspy theme song. My morals were flagging this summer, y'all, but now I think I might be saved after all.