Ruthie "Spoiled Brat" Camden is in the nursery dancing with the twins to techno-ish music that sounds like a talk-show theme on Univision. Quick -- say hi to the twins! Oh, too bad. You missed it. They're gone. Maybe they'll come back later in the hour, though.
Simon "Love Bite" Camden is in his room, bobbing his head arhythmically to some guitar thing that sounds like Edgar or Johnny Winters. (It wasn't, though, because the closing credits said it was some other guy. I guess Edgar or Johnny had a kid.) Simon grew out his Bart Simpson spikes, and he's wearing gel on the sides of his head instead of the top now. His eyebrows are as big and black as ever, though. I wonder if Lance Bass left a bottle of peroxide on the set last year.
Lucy "SkankyPure" Camden jogs out of her walk-in closet with her hands full of the Sears junior department fall line. She's either having an upright seizure or dancing while she lip-synchs to some Laura-Brannigan-esque song. As I pause my VCR to type this, Lucy's head is frozen, open-mouthed, next to a poster showing Shirley Manson's head in the exact same position. It's unnerving, the way they used some no-name song instead of a kick-ass one by Garbage. Maybe it was because Shirley doesn't pen such uplifting lyrics as "But you won't keep a good girl, won't keep a good girl down!" You hear that, people? Lucy's not going down, so quit asking.
Mary "DumbAss" Camden stomps down to the kitchen to inform her dad that she needs transportation to her new job. Eric makes a few bitchy comments, prompting sassy Mary to say, "Just because you're mad at Mom doesn't mean you have to take it out on me." Eric corrects her, saying that the word is "angry," not "mad." Huh? Whatever. He says he's not angry with Annie. "Well, at least I'm not dating that loser Robbie anymore," Mary states in flawless non-sequitur. She informs us that she's now a pool-hall waitress. She argues with her dad over who gets to drop off whom that day. Annie flounces downstairs and informs them that Lucy is taking one car, and Annie's taking the other. "Hell-O!" Mary rudely interjects, griping that she needs a car. "Hello! Earn money and buy one!" says Annie. Blam! Mary complains that the CamRents bought Matt a car. Annie says that was because Matt's going to college. She asks how much money Mary's saved this summer. Mary hasn't saved any, she's been buying stuff on credit, and she refuses to go to college until she knows what she's going for. Eric suggests she go so that she can earn a living and make enough money for a house and car of her own someday. "You don't own your own home. This is the church's home," Mary tells her parents. Ooh, burn! I'm glad she said that, too, because with all this talk about finances, I was starting to wonder for the zillionth time how the heck the Camdens survive on a preacher's salary. I guess having a mortgage-free house helps, and they probably eat the canned goods the parishioners bring in at Thanksgiving, and maybe RevCam just helps himself to the collection plate when the phone bill's due, but -- what? -- none of the kids can work during the summer? What's up with that? Where are they getting the cash to buy the multiple sound systems and crappy CDs? Eric sticks his hand in Mary's face to indicate the five years he spent at college, studying to get the job that provides their house. She rolls her eyes and runs out of the room. Annie starts giving Eric instructions about the twins' care and feeding. He's mildly chafed by the patronization. For some reason, we get a close-up of Annie's Early Childhood Education textbook.
Ruthie enters and asks if her parents are "still fighting." "Shut your precocious mouth, little girl," says Eric. Oh, I mean he says that they're not fighting. Ruthie asks if they're getting divorced. The CamRents mumble excuses as Ruthie walks away. Eric says that he doesn't mind Annie going back to school. He just wonders why she has to do it right now. Maybe she's sick of looking at your face, Eric. Ever think of that? Annie leaves.