7th Heaven
Holy War, Part I

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Holy War, Part I

It's the eve of the wedding between Dopey and his, well, wife, and Rabbi Richard is regaling them with one of his special slow-as-molasses speeches. As Richard struggles to make it through more than one sentence, I can't help but suspect that this speech will last longer than the marriage itself. RevCam is there too, and he thanks Richard for including him in the wedding ceremony. It seems he's spoken too soon, though, since as Rabbi Richard slowly, painfully outlines the order of the ceremony, RevCam realizes that he has been given nothing to do. When he questions Richard about that, the rabbi replies that RevCam will be holding a candle that's part of the ceremony. Eric does not look thrilled, even when Richard half-sarcastically tries to sell the candle as being not only "beautiful" but "handmade" as well. RevCam looks like he'd like to protest some more, but he's silenced by a look from his greasy-headed son.

The Opening Credits Timewaster takes us back to Rabbi Richard's office, though by this point, RevCam and the happy couple have left. Richard is using his alone time for reading. As some vaguely middle eastern music tinkles offensively away in the background, Richard picks up a book called Jewish History and Thought: An Introduction. You'd think he would be past the "introduction" stage -- you know, since he's already a rabbi and all -- but no. And evidently, Richard finds even this book too challenging, so instead he picks up a book on baseball. He's interrupted by the arrival of his daughter, who insists that he give Eric more responsibilities in the wedding ceremony. Richard gets in a pretty good dig when he says, "This isn't a good sign, Matt having you fight his father's battles for him." He follows that up by questioning whether Plot Contrivance really intends to go through with this wedding. She sarcastically replies that it's all a joke, adding, "Matt and I are just big practical jokers, and we thought we'd have fun tormenting our families for three months." Actually, isn't that pretty much what they have been doing for three months? I mean, they're married already, so is there really any reason to put their families through this farce of a wedding in the first place? PC accuses her father of trying to scuttle the wedding plans, and then demands that he give RevCam something more to do in the ceremony. Richard reluctantly agrees.

Mary is in Buffalo, getting ready for work, when Ben decides to come calling. He wants to know why she's been avoiding him all week. Normally, I'd assume that people avoid him because he's boring and not very bright, but then, the same could be said of Mary, so that's probably not the reason here. Actually, it doesn't seem like any of the writers have bothered giving Mary a motivation. Last time we saw her with Ben, she was making out like crazy in the CamPound living room, and now she tells him that she's been busy and that her schedule doesn't mesh with his? Whatever. It seems she hasn't even bothered to tell him that he's not her date for Dopey's wedding anymore, yet when he asks her if she's breaking up with him, she stalls and says she'll talk to him later. Run, Ben, run! In a few weeks, I guarantee you'll realize just how lucky you are to have dodged the "spending the future with Mary" bullet.

Down at the reception hall, Rosina Conehead is berating the florist for bringing calla lilies instead of lilies of the valley. You'd expect they would have hammered out those details by now, seeing as how the wedding is tomorrow. Actually, it doesn't seem like anyone's been doing much timely wedding planning, since Annie is just now dropping by to talk to Rosina about the rehearsal dinner. She has to talk around Rosina's conversations with various catering staff, who really don't seem very bright if they're putting down soup bowls on the tables when there isn't going to be a soup course. They're also planning on serving pork spring rolls as appetizers -- another detail you'd think would have come up weeks ago. Annie's planning on a potluck celebration in the back yard for the rehearsal dinner, saying that it's a tradition in RevCam's church. Rosina picks this moment to tell her to expect a hundred people. Honestly, is there anybody in the world stupid enough to plan a rehearsal dinner and not get some idea of how many people to expect until the day of the party? Annie looks shocked to hear how many people she will have to serve at this dinner, and she's even more surprised when Rosina assumes that the food will be kosher. After her kugel gaffe, it's pretty incredible that Annie would be forgetting about the kosher issue, but I guess anything can happen in Glenoak.

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7th Heaven




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