7th Heaven
Holy War, Part I

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Holy War, Part I

Lucy answers the phone to hear the sultry voice of Hunky Firefighter Dude Ben. He's calling to ask Lucy if she knows whether Mary wants to break up with him. I guess he learned back in junior high that you can pick up valuable information from your love object's girlfriends, and he's just never abandoned this technique. He asks Lucy, "Do you have any idea what could be going through her mind?" Well, I suppose that, technically, Mary could be coming up with a cure for the common cold or working out the plot for a Pulitzer prize-winning novel, but it's probably safer to say that nothing is going on in that vast wasteland I'll charitably call a "brain." Lucy has no real insight into Mary's feelings for Ben, so she turns the conversation to herself, annoyingly asking Ben if his brother loves her. I suppose that's more direct than asking one of her friends to pass a note to Ben during health class, but not by much. Turning the conversation back to himself, Ben decides that Mary wants some kind of commitment from him, so that's what he's going to do: make a commitment. He says goodbye and then hangs up the phone. Lucy looks puzzled that anyone would say goodbye before hanging up the phone.

Down on the Promenade, Dopey and the guys are standing around with their tuxedo bags when Plot Contrivance walks up. Robbie tactfully offers to take the twins and Simon home, but Simon stomps off rudely to take the bus instead. Yeah, that'll show Robbie, all right. When the others have left, PC starts hassling Dopey about his plan to convert before their wedding. Dopey leads her over to a bench. Two nervous-looking extras are standing in front of the bench, but they move aside awkwardly when they see Dopey and his bride coming. Who does the blocking for this show anyway? It's always so terrible. Dopey tries to tell PC that he's converting because he wants to and because it feels "right," and also that he knows Rabbi Richard is pressuring him in the hope of wrecking their wedding plans. PC looks at him oddly, and then Dopey says, "Yes, I'm smarter than I look." Aw, it's a goodbye shout-out to us. That's sweet, Barry. Unfortunately, Dopey goes on to say that he thinks they should be focusing less on the wedding and more on their "second honeymoon." Did they even have a first honeymoon? I don't know if I'd call a night in a hotel room a honeymoon, exactly. PC says, "I thought we can't solve all of our problems with sex," to which Dopey replies, "Well, I'm willing to try." Ew. Oh, and ew.

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7th Heaven




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