The show opens with Eric and Annie sharing what just may be the least sexy kiss in the history of television. Writers, please! Don't you know you're supposed to lead off the show with something that will make viewers want to keep watching? I'd have thought that would be pretty basic. The CamRents come up for air, then close their mouths again and mash their lip areas together some more. Annie says she has a special Valentine's Day surprise for RevCam. He asks if the surprise is better than her kisses. Annie says it is, which really leaves the field wide open. I mean, surely reading junk mail is more exciting than Annie's kisses.
Mary's getting in her daily quota of eavesdropping by standing outside Robbie's door and listening to him ask directions to some hotel over the phone. Then he calls Joy and tells her he's taking her somewhere "very special." This makes Mary so angry that she starts talking to herself, right there outside Robbie's door. She says, "A hotel? I knew it. Some things never change." You'd think Robbie would hear her and come out to tell her to get lost and mind her own business, but he doesn't. Mary looks dreadfully upset that someone may be contemplating engaging in an activity as icky as sex.
I'm a little disappointed to see that in the Opening Credits Timewaster, Joy is listed only by her name. There's no mention of her status as an "international pop sensation." I'm more than a little disappointed to see that many other familiar names show up in the credits, including that of the actor who plays Chickenhead. What's even more frightening, however, is what's happening onscreen. RevCam is in his church office reading and taking notes. Sounds innocuous enough, until you catch the titles of some of the books: 214 Ways to Say I Love You, Passionate Marriage, and Kosher Sex. That last one has an extra-large number of Post-It notes stuck to it. RevCam leans back to read in earnest. He looks bewildered and shocked. I can't know what's in any of these books, but from his facial expressions, it looks like RevCam is learning that there can be more to sex than just doing it missionary-style, in bed, on Saturday night, with the lights turned out. Sad that it took him seven kids and twenty-some-odd years to figure that one out. Hey, how come he's not reading any of Stephen Collins's erotic thrillers?
In the girls' room, Lucy is trying to make Ruthie get up and go to school, but Ruthie claims she's sick. Mary interrupts and orders Ruthie to leave the room so that she can talk to Lucy alone. Ruthie departs sullenly, and Lucy points out how rude Mary is. Mary either doesn't care or doesn't understand what "rude" means. She further proves her lack of manners by ignoring Lucy's comment and freaking out because she thinks she knows what Robbie's VD "surprise" is for Joy. I can't say Lucy looks particularly interested. Join the club, girl.
Simon is at his school locker, being checked out by some blonde girl. She introduces herself as Maria Davis, and Simon expresses his surprise that a popular senior like her would be speaking to him. Oddly enough, that's not a total turn-off for Maria. She asks him if he's going to the VD dance, and he has to tell her he's "grounded for life." That still doesn't turn her off, and she asks if she can hang out with him while he babysits the twins. She's handily already written out her phone number on a piece of paper, which she hands to Simon, telling him to call her. You know, I just noticed that Simon's hair is looking a little closer in hue to his eyebrows. Or maybe he's been experimenting with Dopey's hair-greasification products again.