7th Heaven
Hot Pants

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Hot Pants

Mary is admiring herself in the bathroom mirror. You know, the last time I saw her posing in front of mirrors in a restroom, it was in the pages of Gear magazine. I was checking it out in the Chapters bookstore near my dentist's office, and my entire face was totally Novocained. I just kept hoping I wouldn't start drooling. That would have been far more embarrassing than anything that's happened to Lucy and Mary so far. Lucy tells her sister that Mike's and Jeremy's dates are "supermodels." Riiight. I'm sure Glenoak is just teeming with supermodels. Mary suggests leaving, but Lucy won't go until Jeremy and Mike do, since then Jeremy will know she doesn't have a date. Uh, Lucy, I thought we'd established that he already knows that. He'd have to have the intelligence of, say, Mary not to have figured it out by now.

Back at Joy's house, she knocks on the door to the bathroom, wondering what's taking Robbie so long. Maybe he's been looking for Vaseline to put on a condom? No, he's just playing with the taps on the sink. My three-year-old nephew likes to do that too. When Robbie finally emerges, he tries to explain to Joy that he wasn't planning on having sex with her. Okay, fine, she wasn't planning on having sex with him either, so where's the problem? Her suggestion is that they spend the evening in her room, making out. At least Robbie displays a degree of wisdom here when he says that if they make out, he doesn't trust himself to stop at just that. Thank you, writers, for finally addressing why it's so unlikely for the CamKids to engage in all sorts of petting and yet still be virgins! Is it physically possible to have a negative IQ? If so, Joy has one, because she starts berating Robbie for loving his ex-girlfriends more than he loves her. Why? Because he tried to get down their, er, hot pants and he won't sleep with her. Joy storms into the bathroom -- to play with the taps, I assume -- while Robbie waits forlornly outside the door.

In the CamKitchen, RevCam and Simon give each other updates on their Valentine's adventures. RevCam? Annie has locked him out of the bedroom. And Simon? Well, as he points out, Maria is "an animal." While it's true that we are all mammals (with the possible exception of Ed Begley, Jr.), I have a feeling that the term isn't exactly being used in the most flattering way by Simon. Not that RevCam sees fit to tell him to respect women or anything. No, he has to get back to groveling before Cruella.

As RevCam leaves, Ruthie comes into the kitchen and starts regaling Simon with her problems. It all amounts to her friend Kim playing a joke on her by daring her to ask some boy named Frank to Kim's VD party. The boy said yes, but then later told Ruthie he was going to the party with Kim. And this is funny…how? Ruthie is too embarrassed to go to the party alone, and yet she's not embarrassed to be wearing a striped t-shirt with a plaid shirt on top of it? She's afraid Kim is going to figure out that she wasn't really sick. I don't know, but if that whole "joke" that Kim concocted with Frank is anything to go by, I'm not sure Kim is bright enough to tie her own shoes, let alone figure out that Ruthie was faking her illness. Ruthie leaves, and Maria comes in. Simon tells her Ruthie's sad, sad story, and Maria saves the day by pimping out her little brother Jake as a party date for Ruthie. Wow, that must be the quickest resolution of a plotline ever! And one of the most absurd.

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7th Heaven

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