7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | 4 USERS: B+
Dorothea Lange Spins In Her Grave

RevCam tries to read through a folder in the Church Office, but it's so dark in there that he can't possibly see a thing. A man comes to the office. He introduces himself as Allan, Zoe's dad, as the Pianos of Sadness play. Allan has a seat and asks if RevCam remembers when Zoe slept in Martin's apartment. Of course he does! RevCam has an entire file system for his children or foster children's various transgressions, organized alphabetically and by type of infraction. Mary has her very own file drawer, called the "Black Files." Allan says he was worried about what RevCam thought of him for not realizing that his daughter wasn't home all night. "No judgment, really," RevCam lies. With great difficulty, Allan says that he lost his job a couple years ago, and "now...now...frankly, [he] can't feed [his] own family." Might be time to take your time machine out of the Great Depression, then, Allan. RevCam tries to interrupt, but Allan tells him to hold on and let him "get this out." Sit back, RevCam, because, with his delivery more halting and falsely earnest than yours, Allan's monologue is going to take a while. Allan says that Zoe cares a lot about "the young man who's living at your house." "Martin Brewer?" asks RevCam, like, who the fuck else would it be? Unless RevCam's thinking that Kevin might have found someone else to be a husband to.

With many pauses and deep sighs, Allan says that Zoe told Ruthie about her family's "situation" after she passed out at school the other day. And now Zoe thinks that Martin doesn't want to see her anymore because, as Allan explains -- and this might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in the history of this show -- "we're -- I guess there's no other way to say it -- we're POOR! And sir? We're HUNGRY!" I don't see how his stomach can be empty, what with all that scenery he's chewing. But oh, how I laughed when he said that, especially when the Violins and Guitars of Great Tragedy started blaring so as to maximize the emotional impact. RevCam licks his lips with empathy. Only 7th Heaven could make me take such great delight in the misfortune of others. Oh! A commercial! I'm gonna go get a Lean Cuisine. For some odd reason, I'm suddenly starving.

After the commercial, Allan is furious that RevCam would even suggest that he go on food stamps. RevCam says they aren't actually food stamps anymore; you get a credit card-like thing. Allan says he cannot ask his wife to do that. Apparently, he has no problem asking his wife to do all the grocery shopping. RevCam patiently explains that a lot of people are in the same situation, because not everyone can score a free mansion and a boss who looks the other way when you reach into the collection plate. Allan says it's embarrassing that he can't feed his own family. After paying for the mortgage, utilities, and the car, there's no money left over for food. Hopefully, he can put a pennies together for a class on how to prioritize, because I would think that keeping your daughter nourished enough so that she isn't passing out all the time is significantly more important than electricity or transportation. Allan says that after he lost his job, he went out and got three jobs and worked eighteen hours a day. But then he lost one of his part-time jobs, and now he's screwed. Shouldn't he be at one of his jobs right now, though? Allan says that his wife works, too, and they're trying to sell the house, but it needs so much work that no one will buy it (hello, Kinkirks!). I just want to know how the hell Allan and his wife are working three jobs between them and they still can't afford food. Even if the jobs were minimum wage, that's still enough to feed your family, especially since I don't think Zoe has any brothers or sisters. ["Well, seriously. Does she have a tapeworm or something? Also -- ever heard of filing for personal bankruptcy? It doesn't make for the most compelling TV in the world, but 1) neither does this and 2) at least it'll let you eat. Shut up, Brenda." -- Sars] RevCam spits out some crap he learned in his Economics 101 class about how income hasn't kept up with the cost of living, then asks if Zoe "understands" her situation. Allan says she does, but he and his wife don't like to see her "suffer," so they try to give her all the things she needs to fit in with today's fashionable teens. Okay, but if you don't want your daughter to "suffer," Allan, maybe you should SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR FOOD?! Or maybe Zoe could pay for her own stupid crap by getting her own job, like every other kid in America. Working at a food service place would be an added bonus, as she'd be getting free food. Why am I even thinking of solutions for these people's made-up problems? I really, really doubt that there are people out there who would let their kids go hungry because they spent their money on jeans. And if there are, I don't feel sorry for them.

RevCam tells Allan that his whole confession was for naught, as Martin didn't break up with Zoe because she was poor; he did it because he thought she thought she was too good for him. Way to disclose other people's personal information, RevCam. Allan says he's not surprised that Zoe made everyone think she was rich; "she's got that look, you know? She's a beautiful girl," he says creepily. He continues that Zoe pretends to be rich because she, like her parents, is ashamed to be poor. RevCam says they have nothing to be ashamed of, because they're "hardworking" people who do the best they can. And if you're doing the best you can, and it's still not enough, you shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help. "I need a little help!" Allan says, sobbing, "a little help." Actually, I don't think he was sobbing, as I'm pretty sure that the actor's slow delivery and forceful exhales were because he was holding back laughter for this whole scene.

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7th Heaven




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