7th Heaven
I Love Lucy

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I Love Lucy

It's morning at the CamPound. Ruthie and Lucy are sleeping while Kevin "T-1000" hangs out in their closet. Is he looking for Simon or engaging in unspeakable acts with Lucy's dirty laundry? Neither, as it happens. He tiptoes daintily over to Lucy's bed and lays down a large gift-wrapped package and a big-ass bouquet of roses. She doesn't wake up. Kevin stands there staring at her for a moment, wearing his usual goofy smile. He nods smugly, as if to say, "This ought to make up for my months of abusiveness," then tiptoes back out. The sad part is, Lucy is so dumb that she probably can be bought off with a dozen roses and a gift.

The camera closes in on her face, as she smiles and raises what's left of her eyebrows. Her eyes are still closed, though, so there's no way she could know that Kevin just brought her a gift. Good God -- I hope that doesn't mean there's a dream sequence coming up. Yep. Unfortunately, there is. Even in her dreams, Lucy's outfits are ugly. In this one, she's sporting some sort of beige cardigan with shiny appliqued...crap on it. She and Kevin are having a romantic dinner, complete with half-glasses of sparkling wine. It looks like this dinner is taking place in the backyard of the CamPound, possibly next to the trash cans. When Lucy and Kevin are done making out, they stare stupidly into each other's eyes for a while, until Roxanne comes out. Even in her fugly asymmetrical dress, Roxanne still looks way better than Lucy, especially when Lucy whines, "What are you doing here?" Roxanne puts her hand on Kevin's shoulder and tells Lucy that she's no longer in love with Chandler. She loves Kevin, and she must "have him." What's especially funny is that she's shaking her head throughout this speech, as if part of her can't believe that such ridiculous drivel is coming out of her mouth. In love with Kevin! Who ever heard anything so moronic? Kevin gets up to leave with Roxanne, but not before telling Lucy, "I'm sorry, but I think Roxanne's feelings are bigger and better than the two of us. I'm afraid this is goodbye." They leave, arm in arm. Lucy even gets stuck with the check for dinner, a fact which gives me more pleasure than it really should.

As Lucy wakes up shrieking, she sees the whole stupid fucking Camden clan standing at the foot of her bed, watching her sleep. Can't they at least make a token effort to hide their stalking? They all shriek back at her, with varying degrees of realism. The fact that Stephen Collins waits about two seconds after everyone else is done yelling and then looks bitter and sarcastic as he screams makes me think he feels the same way about this scene as I do. The twins wailing, in unison, "Happy Valentine's Day" does not help matters any. The weirdest part is that Lucy doesn't even look freaked out that all these losers have been watching her sleep. If there's a world where that's normal, I don't want to know about it. It turns out everyone is waiting to watch her open her gift from Kevin. You know, if I ever reach the point where I find myself hanging around my sister's bed, waiting for her to wake up so I can watch her open a gift from her significant other, I'll know that my life has no worth anymore and that it's probably okay to do all the really dangerous things I've always been too scared to do -- like try some heroin. Nice going, Brenda. Way to promote intravenous drug use.

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7th Heaven




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