7th Heaven
I Really Did

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I Really Did

As is so often the case, the show opens with something that I really don't need to see. In this case, it's a close-up of Barry Watson's bare feet as he slow-dances around a hotel room with his new bride. And make no mistake: This is his new bride. There is much flashing of wedding rings, just so we'll all figure it out. In case you missed the big display because were already starting to fall asleep, Dopey calls Plot Contrivance "Mrs. Camden." I'm still not sure how the lovely couple procured a wedding license -- let alone an official to perform the ceremony -- on a Sunday night, but let's not worry about that now. Personally, I think the fact that Brenda Hampton has these people telling each other "I love you" is an insult to anyone who's ever said those words and meant them. It's hard to tell whether they've had adult relations yet, but since Plot Contrivance is still speaking to Dopey -- instead of lying speechless on the floor, totally incapacitated by laughter -- I'm guessing they haven't got down to it quite yet. The phone rings, and the kids decide that it is Dopey's patriarchal duty to answer it. They procrastinate a bit, though, saying gushy things to each other and flashing their stupid wedding rings some more. As Dopey walks over to the phone, we see a couple of champagne glasses on the bedside table. And guess what: They're half full.

Dopey dorkily answers the phone as both "Mr. and Mrs. Camden." The caller is Ruthie, who says, "I don't believe it. You really are stupider than Mary!" Is he actually stupider than Mary? That's a tough call. Bratty Ruthie asks what Dopey will give her if she keeps his marriage a secret. He says he and Plot Contrivance will name their firstborn child after her. This will be especially funny if the child is a boy. We'll never get to see that, though, since PC points out that Jewish custom forbids naming children after living relatives. Less than five minutes of research tells me that not all Jews follow that custom, but the prospect of disposing of Ruthie holds enough appeal for me that I won't quibble over details. Dopey tries a little emotional blackmail next by telling Ruthie he knows she won't tell anyone about his wedding, because she "knows how important this is to [him]." Ruthie melodramatically tilts her head way over to one side, as if she is contemplating something of great enormity, while PC adopts a facial expression that suggests she finds this all very touching. Ruthie hangs up on her brother without even saying goodbye, although she does congratulate him on his dumb-ass marriage. As Dopey turns back to PC after hanging up the phone, we see that he is still wearing his girly medallion. That settles it: There's no way he and Plot Contrivance could have had sex yet. It would take any sane woman way more than half a glass of sparkling wine to sleep with someone who's sporting jewelry that ugly. Maybe PC's not so sane, though, since she obviously finds Dopey sexy enough to push him down onto the bed and climb on top of him. Ugh, there goes lunch -- mine, that is. Dopey demonstrates the strength of the incredible bond he and PC have built over the past twenty-four hours by promising that he will always be there for her. You know, Matt, "always" means pretty much the same thing as "forever," and that's a really, really long time. Haven't you ever listened to that Meat Loaf song?

This week's Opening Credits Timewaster differentiates itself from all the past ones by being genuinely hilarious. As the CamRents sit at the breakfast table with the twins, they adopt expressions that are probably supposed to imply that they are worrying about Dopey; that is, RevCam looks kind of pained while Annie just looks constipated. One of the twins offers Annie a distinctly unappealing burnt pancake from his plate. At least she is polite enough to say, "Oh, thank you, sweetie, no." When the other twin waves one of his pancakes in his father's face, RevCam just brushes him away with a look of annoyed dismissal that is so perfect, it makes me wonder whether Stephen Collins possesses hitherto undemonstrated comedic talents. After ostentatiously checking their watches, the CamRents move out of earshot of the twins and start reminiscing about another time Dopey stayed out all night -- something to do with stalking Heather across the country by bus. I'm not exactly heartbroken that I missed that episode. Annie is being the calm, sensible one here, pointing out that Dopey is over twenty-one and probably doesn't feel that he needs to call home. This does nothing to assuage RevCam's sense of doom. Annie goes back to the table to pour something into a drinking glass. It looks like maple syrup.

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7th Heaven

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