7th Heaven
I Really Did

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I Really Did

Plot Contrivance tries to convince Dopey that they should put off announcing their marriage to her parents. To his credit, Dopey actually wants to take the mature route and own up to it. PC tries a different approach, saying that she thinks she should just tell parents herself, without Dopey present. She explains her craptacular technique for breaking bad news to her parents: "I'll tell them some really, really horrible news first, and when they're moaning and groaning about that, then I'll say, 'Just kidding. But the good news is Matt and I just got married.'" Even Dopey realizes that this is incredibly stupid. It's pretty funny that PC doesn't want to be around when Dopey breaks the news to the CamRents. I guess she's already had enough of them after their first meeting, so I can't say I blame her. Still, if she were mature enough to get married -- and I'm not saying she is -- she should be mature enough to at least admit it to people. I wonder how Dopey feels about all these new things he's learning about his bride -- like the fact that she's a liar and a wimp. But since he dove into this marriage after a mere twenty-four hours, he really shouldn't be surprised if his wife turns out to be a freak.

The Roving Dumb-Asses are still in Mary's car, driving around aimlessly. Mary finally clues in that it's Monday, so Ruthie must be in school. Lucy realizes that she and Mary should also be in school. Honestly, what difference would it make whether they're there or not? Two people with this little common sense couldn't possibly derive any benefit from education, could they?

Back in the CamKitchen, Annie is trying to convince RevCam that they should "just go about [their] business, act as normal as possible, and then when Matt comes home, act as if nothing has happened." When RevCam questions the wisdom of this, Annie asserts that it's better than any plan he could have. Sadly, that is probably true, especially since RevCam's idea involves telling Dopey that if he got married, he will have to get the marriage annulled. Annie tries her hand at being the voice of reason again, though what she comes up with is unintentionally hilarious: "We don't know what he was doing out all night, but we should trust that whatever it was, it reflects everything that we have taught him." Oh, you mean stalking, right? Annie tosses RevCam out of the CamKitchen. Her voice is very calm, but her facial expression is downright psycho.

Down at Ruthie's school, the ever-chipper Mrs. Mackoul walks by and says hello to the brat. She obviously wants to get away from Ruthie as quickly as she can, but Ruthie starts talking about how she has a secret about Matt staying out all night, and not being able to divulge this secret is weighing very heavily on her. Still smiling incessantly, Mrs. Mackoul keeps trying to get away while explaining that she doesn't want to know the secret, but Ruthie keeps coming after her. I can certainly understand anyone wanting to escape from Ruthie, but as a teacher, doesn't Mrs. Mackoul have an obligation to listen to her students when they so obviously need someone to talk to? How does she know that Ruthie's secret is so lame that no one should give a shit about it? Maybe the reason that Dopey didn't come home is because Cruella cut his body up into little pieces and buried them in the backyard. And maybe Ruthie witnessed this and now she's afraid that Annie will kill her next. Or to be more serious, Ruthie could be upset about some sort of physical or sexual abuse that's going on in her household, and she's finally got up the courage to confide in her beloved teacher, who won't do a thing to help her. That sure would do a number on a kid's self-esteem -- not to mention that the child with the secret could be living in an extremely dangerous family situation. But Mrs. Mackoul is obviously not the sort of helpful person a child should trust. She does her damnedest to convince Ruthie to keep her secrets to herself. Never once does the smile leave her face while she's doing this. She's scary.

Back in the Contrivance kitchen, everyone's sitting silently around the table. Finally, Rabbi Richard speaks up. He says that there must be something in his ear, since he couldn't hear what his daughter just told him. I guess the "joke" is that Plot Contrivance never said anything. Or maybe Richard really is hallucinating, since his rambling, nonsensical speech makes him sound like he dropped a whole lot of acid, and then smoked a couple grams of hash for good measure. PC finally summons the courage to try out her stupid bad-news-breaking technique by telling her parents she is pregnant. Laraine is savvy enough to remark that since PC just met Dopey, she can't know that she's pregnant with his child. Hence, the father must be someone named Kenny. Dopey asks who Kenny is, to which Richard replies with the first funny line I've heard him say on this show: "Until today, he's the man I least liked in the universe." He glares at Dopey while saying this. Plot Contrivance decides it's time to implement the next step of her plan, so she tells her parents she was just kidding about being pregnant. Rabbi Richard may be stoned to the gills, but he does clue in to what his daughter is doing, and he calls her on it. Then he asks what the real news is. PC starts to tell him, but chickens out at the last minute, claiming that she and Dopey got engaged. Rabbi Richard is pissed off, but Laraine tries to put a good face on it, sort of, by saying that at least it's good that they're not married. But, see, the audience knows that Dopey and PC are actually married, so that makes it extra funny for us. Right? …Right?

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7th Heaven




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