Hi! Welcome to the recap of what just may be the most stupid and offensive episode of 7th Heaven ever! The story opens with Dopey in his frilly bedroom, avidly poring through an issue of Brides magazine. Oddly enough, he looks pretty natural doing it. Robbie comes in and laughs uproariously at him, wanting to know if he's looking for a bride. Dopey finally admits that he is, which has to be one of the weirder things I've ever heard. After all, the year is not 1860. Still, Matt declares his intention of marrying the next woman he dates. In that case, I can only hope that his next date is a psychotic mime who likes to spend thousands a month on psychic hotlines. And high-grade heroin, of course. Hey, he made a promise! Right? Robbie isn't exactly awestruck by Matt's ridiculous plan, and he says, "It just seems odd to me that this is the thing you've chosen to worry about." So true. You'd hope Dopey would be worrying more about how awful his hair is, or about the fact that he's turned into such a creepy patriarchal stalker. Instead, he's obsessed with getting married. It's kind of scary that Robbie is the voice of reason in this scene, as he very sensibly explains that Dopey is already taking on a lot by going to med school. I giggle, as I always do when anyone mentions the notion of Matt and medical school. Dopey treats Robbie to a story about how one of the women in his Brides magazine got her husband to propose to her. Robbie's about as underwhelmed by that as I am. He foreshadows the rest of the episode succinctly when he asks Dopey, "You're not going to go out and do anything stupid, are you?"
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster shows Dopey getting dressed, presumably for a date with the woman he will marry -- you know, since he made that vow and all. He experiences some technical difficulties buttoning up his shiny, shiny shirt, so he has to unbutton it and start again, thus giving us a good look at the girly gold medallion he's got nestled in that sexy mat of chest hair. Once I'm done retching for three hours, I turn the VCR back on and see Matt putting on a jacket. This is exciting stuff, Brenda! He goes to the dresser and takes out a hairbrush that looks like it's never been used. Big surprise there. Dopey picks up a mirror, looks at his reflection, and smiles as if he looks super-studly. He puts the hairbrush back down, unused. On behalf of everyone who's ever posted anything about Matt and his hair on our boards, I'd like to thank Brenda for the shout-out.