Nor is the next scene, although at least we get a bit of a break from Matt's future bride. Dopey walks into the waiting room and runs into that Doc guy who worked my nerves so hard last season during Matt's psychiatric examination. Dopey asks, "Who's dying?" and Doc responds with some faux-profound crap about how we're all going to die one day. Dopey clarifies his question -- um, I think so, anyway -- by asking, "Don't you just have a habit of showing up when there's a life-and-death crisis?" Oh, you mean for, like, super-duper-important things like that psychiatric evaluation? Well, then. Matt tells Doc that he's thinking of getting married. As Doc is asking who he's planning to marry, the mystery girl walks in. Yeah, we fucking get it, okay? We've all seen TV Guide. Dopey stares at Mystery Orderly for a while, and then Doc starts praising her. Matt says he wasn't talking about her, just that he wants to get married. Doc proves that he's really not as smart as everyone gives him credit for when he says, "Well, good for you. Marriage is a wonderful thing -- someone to love and someone to love you unconditionally all your life." What's with the "unconditional" part? I've only been married a little over a year, and so far it has been wonderful (though, quite frankly, not much different from when we were living together). But this "unconditional" thing is news to me. Does that mean I can do whatever the hell I please and he still has to love me? So I can, like, sleep with anyone else who catches my fancy? Banish any future children to an unfinished garage apartment? Wear a fugly sailor top? "Unconditional," my ass. I'm not sure anyone's going to benefit from hearing marriage spoken of this way. I think Doc from The Love Boat used to give better advice than this. Come to think of it, even Doc Baker from freakin' Little House on the Prairie was a better advisor. Still, 7th Heaven Doc continues spouting inanity as he endorses Dopey's plan to get married as soon as possible. He puts in a plug for the mystery orderly as a suitable wife for Dopey. Her name turns out to be Sarah. Since I don't think Sars could bear to see her own name debased like that for the rest of this season, I think I'm going to have to call this bimbo something else. ["Oh, thank the Lord." -- Sars] Since she's really just a plot contrivance to help get Dopey off the show, that's exactly what I'll call her. I was really hoping that Doc would be saying his adieux by now, but he's still there, dispensing crappy advice prefaced by ridiculous statements like, "Look, you know I know women, so take my advice." Please; I'm not sure how much more of Doc's advice anyone could humanely be expected to take. In fact, isn't there a section on that in the Geneva Convention somewhere? Finally he departs for a night of dancing with Matt's obviously not very selective boss, leaving Plot Contrivance free to coyly suggest that Dopey ask her out for coffee. Matt looks taken aback to be faced by a woman would have the temerity to ask him out on a date. It's a man's place to do the asking, you know!
Annie and RevCam are spending the evening in their lovely Mission-style bed not having adult relations. That's right -- they're passing the time worrying about whether Matt will get married tonight. Like that's normal. Annie anxiously says, "He wouldn't." Then we see Lucy and Mary sitting in the CamKitchen, obviously thinking about their brother as well. Finally, Mary says, "He wouldn't." Cut to Simon and Robbie playing a game of cards. Can you guess what Simon says? I'll give you a hint: It's not a well-thought-out commentary on the works of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche. Ruthie adds her own rendition of the "he wouldn't" theme, and even the twins get in on the "fun." Can't these actors go on strike or something? Surely there must be something in the Screen Actors Guild by-laws that prohibits any actor from being forced to participate in something as dumb as this. Or maybe I'm thinking of the Geneva Convention again.