7th Heaven
I Wasn’t Expecting That!

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St. Martin of Ass-kissy

The show opens with a man being wheeled through the hospital on a stretcher. Oh no, did RevCam have another heart attack? I say "oh no" not out of concern for RevCam's health, but for my own, because if I have to deal with a season-long "arc" about RevCam's bad heart, I'll probably either hurt myself or become an alcoholic. ["'Become'? Looks like someone didn't read her job description…" -- Sars] Oh -- whew! -- there's Eric, looking healthy and standing at the hospital admitting desk with Lucy, who takes after her mother more and more every day as she nags the receptionist to find out where Kevin is in the hospital. Lucy then provides us with some helpful exposition about how Kevin got injured in the line of duty. Since all I've seen him do in terms of duty is perform menial office duties around the station, I can only assume that he put a staple through his thumb, or looked directly into the copy machine scanner light and went blind. There's a reason why they tell you to put the cover down before you press the start button, you know. Lucy yells at the lady some more to hurry up and find her husband. I'd like to see Lucy act like that in the ER of the hospital I work in. They don't play around. If you walk in there and start harassing them to hurry up like you own the place, they'll tear your head off and eat it. Lucy frets to RevCam that Kevin might have been so badly hurt when he came in that he couldn't tell them his name, so she asks the lady to try looking him up by his badge number. Because the admitting staff would go to the trouble of reading his police badge, but not the name under it. RevCam tells Lucy to calm down, as they were told that Kevin's injuries weren't life-threatening. "Sure they said that!" shouts Lucy. "What are they going to say; your husband has a bullet hole in his forehead and if you look really close you can see this guy?" There's a guy in Kevin's head? Maybe he's the one working all the robot controls. Oh, she said, "the sky." Easy mistake to make, as any Jimi Hendrix fan knows. Actually, when you think about it, "this guy" makes more sense than "the sky." Why would you be able to see the sky in Kevin's head? It's pushing it to even say that you could see brains in there.

At this point, the lady at the counter makes the mistake of shooting Lucy a disgusted glare, thus incurring the wrath of Lucy because the lady should be looking at the computer screen and trying to find her husband. Lucy then suggests using Google to locate him. Before she says anything more asinine than that, if that's even possible, RevCam sees Kevin coming out of a hospital room, partially held up by Roxanne. He points him out to Lucy, who screams out his name. Kevin turns towards the camera, and we see that he got worked over worse than Peter last week; his face is bruised and cut up, and his left arm is in a sling. Maybe he got some sense knocked into him, too, as he looks less than pleased to see his wife. Nevertheless, she bounds over to him and gives him a big hug as he assures her that he's fine. She hugs him again, and he groans because being hugged when you have bruised ribs is no picnic. Roxanne shows concern for her partner's well-being by commenting on how cute he looks in stitches. Lucy tries to hug Kevin again, but he begs off, saying that he has a dislocated shoulder. Lucy says that she has no idea "what to kiss first." RevCam takes this as his cue to leave an increasingly awkward and private conversation by going to get the car. Lucy and Roxanne walk a limping Kevin down the hall as Roxanne says that this whole thing is her fault. She explains that she and Kevin were on "one of those stupid domestic calls" when she let the fighting husband and wife get too close. The wife tried to attack her husband, and Kevin was trying to hold her back, so he bore the brunt of it. Lucy stops and asks Roxanne if she's saying that a mere woman wrecked her husband. Kevin glares at Roxanne, who looks around like she's all innocent, even though Kevin asked her not to say anything several times, and probably a few more times before Lucy got there.

The long parade of non-stars that is the opening credits just got a little more bloated; meet Simon's replacement.

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7th Heaven




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