7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

JTT drives up to his house and waits until 6:01 to go inside. This makes Mary happy, I guess. I wouldn’t be. I would want my boyfriend to get the Porsche. Mary smiles, and her teeth look crooked. JTT wishes his family Merry Christmas, and they’re all happy to see him. Dad offers JTT the Porsche, but JTT refuses it because he knows what Christmas is really about, which is "not getting Porsches." Dad’s all, “Whatchoo talkin' 'bout JTT?” Well, he would have said that if he were played by Gary Coleman. JTT asks the new wife what her sweater size is so he can buy her one, and she says that it’s an eight. Don’t women’s sweaters have sizes like “small,” “medium,” and “large?” I checked my closet, and all my sweaters have sizes like that and not numbers. But that’s not as important as how creepy it is that JTT is asking his stepmother about her sweater size in the first place.

Oh, and the town holiday parade is coming by the house. They see the sleigh parked in front and get mad at JTT. But he is forgiven, and then he drives his whole family and stupid Mary around in the sleigh, followed by the parade. Good thing he somehow knows the parade route. I hope this crappy sleigh ride was worth never ever riding in a Porsche, Mary, you stupid selfish bitch. A crane shot of the whole procession pans up, and the words “the end” come onto the screen. And then that stupid goddamn white ball pops up and ruins any warm feelings I might have had about this movie, which is fine because I didn’t actually have any.

Oh, and the ending credits are just as bad as the opening ones. It’s just like the opening with the map, but this time it stays over New York and also has flashing colored lights on the following towns: Middletown, Larchmont, Poughkeepsie, and Hampstead NY; Newark, NJ; and Norwalk and Hartford, CT. I would be happy about seeing my home state on the screen like that, except that I hate Connecticut, and also, an *NSYNC Christmas song is playing. Also, the music credits list two versions of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and one of “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas.” That’s just ridiculous. I only watched the credits because I thought that maybe we would see Robbie or Ian at the end of them. That did not happen, so I felt it necessary to provide you and me with some closure. Here we go: Ian dies in his locker, and Robbie dies in jail. Also, JTT and his family have an unfortunate freak sleigh accident and they all die as well, except for Dad. However, his face is so badly damaged that he requires massive plastic surgery, which makes him look like Gary Coleman. Don’t we all feel better now?

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7th Heaven

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