7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

And now JTT is walking down yet another hall, past a bunch of ladies with white patches over their noses. I smell a Clueless-style nose-job joke, but actually they are wearing those sticky things that supposedly remove blackheads. They don’t work, by the way. Not that I have blackheads. Because I don’t. Really. Really! Dammit, this movie is making me insecure already. JTT knocks on a door, and some ugly girl wearing a basketball uniform opens it. Now I’m really confused, because this “college” has a bunch of young-looking students and lockers, but also dorms. Is it a boarding school, perhaps? Then why is it called a college? JTT is said to be 18, which means he could be in high school or college. I don’t know which it is, and it won’t ever be explained in the movie either, so let’s all stop worrying about it. Because it won’t be the first thing in this movie that goes completely unexplained, and we’ll have to ignore all of those things too, so just get used to it. The ugly basketball girl won’t let JTT into the room until he gives her chocolate bars. He does so, because he is so smooth that he always carries them around to bribe chocolate-loving females. By the way, JTT is so short that this girl towers over him. And he’s wearing a really ugly shirt. Anyway, he walks over to Jessica Biel, whose character’s name is Allie, and is JTT’s girlfriend, and shall henceforth be known as Mary, in honor of her 7th Heaven character’s name. She’s sleeping in bed. JTT lies down next to her. Scandalous! Then she wakes up and freaks out because she fell asleep studying for a French final that's in three hours. Before she can kick him out, JTT gives her tickets to that Cabo San Lucas place so they can spend Christmas there together. Mary gets all huffy and leaves.

Now they’re walking outside, and Mary is still angry that JTT would be so daring as to hook her up with tickets to a tropical paradise where they will stay in a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean. Mary wants to spend Christmas with her family in New York. She rants about how upset her parents would be if she didn’t come home for Christmas and blah blah blah. I stop paying attention because she looks cross-eyed when she says all this and that’s funny. Oh, and we find out that JTT doesn’t want to go home because his dad has a new wife.

And now a big ol’ SUV drives up containing Eddie, who is played by Adam La Vorgna, who I will call Robbie in honor of his 7th Heaven character. I read that the set of this movie is where Biel and La Vorgna met and started dating, but I don’t see how that's possible since they gave Robbie a really awful hairstyle. It’s all long and almost mullet-y, and it’s greasy. It makes his ears look really small too. Anyway, Robbie comes on to Mary totally in front of JTT until he gets his just desserts and backs into a BMW accidentally. By the way, I have never heard of a boarding school that lets its students bring their own cars to campus.

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7th Heaven




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