7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

Now JTT is talking to three guys who each look about thirty-five years old. But apparently they're supposed to be younger than that, because they’re angry at JTT about the bad fake IDs. JTT tells them he can get them As on their history final for free to make it up to them. Hey, do you think that maybe JTT is a smooth and smart-alecky con artist? I don’t know how that idea popped into my head, but it might have something to do with the three anvils that just fell on it that read, “JTT is a smooth and smart-alecky con artist who will need to change his ways if he wants to get home in time for Christmas.”

And we’re in JTT’s dorm room. Ian is packing for him. What’s the deal with Ian here? Is he an indentured servant? Or perhaps his low self-esteem is what's making him so servile to JTT. I would like to explore this potentially interesting dynamic of Ian and JTT’s relationship, but of course that won’t happen. JTT’s dad calls him. JTT’s dad is played by Gary Cole, who basically acts the same way he did in the Brady Bunch movies, except it’s not funny here. And how much better would this movie be if he were actually Gary Coleman, which was who I thought played JTT’s dad. I was mistaken, and now must be punished by watching Gary Cole. JTT and Dad argue about JTT not coming home for Christmas while JTT’s sister laughs, and I hate her already. We find out that JTT’s mom died, and he hasn’t been home for the holidays since. Dad bribes JTT with a Porsche to come home by six o’clock on Christmas Eve. He agrees.

JTT meets Mary on her way out of the French final and tell her that he got tickets to New York and they’re going back together. My boyfriend from college (and that would be real college, not whatever’s going on in this movie) lives in Georgia and I live in Connecticut, so when vacations come up, we don’t see each other for weeks or months. But JTT and Mary live in the same freaking town. How nice. Mary does her best to impersonate the worst actor in my fifth-grade play, thus making the make-up scene completely unconvincing despite the clarinet of resolved conflict that blares in the background.

The three thirty-five-year-olds take their stupid final and cheat by using beepers. Ian types the answer into his computer and then sends it to them. I’m not sure exactly how it all works, because I don’t know anything about technology. We can tell that they are taking a history test, because the answers are things like “Frederick Douglass” and “abolitionism.” I wonder what they do when they get to the essay questions. Whoops! Robbie just barged into Ian’s room and stopped the answer-giving. The thirty-five-year-olds are angry, and show this by looking at each other and throwing the beepers down loudly. We don’t see the part where the teacher totally figures out what they were doing because they were so obvious about it.

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7th Heaven

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