7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

Back in The SUV Of 7th Heaven Characters, Robbie and Mary discuss why Mary is attracted to JTT and not to him. Mary has some stupid reason I don’t care about. She delivers it crappily as well.

JTT is now riding in the van with the guy who ran him over. I would say that getting run over by the guy is a sign that you might not want to be in a car he’s driving, but apparently JTT and Disney disagree. An SUV passes them, and JTT instantly knows that it’s Robbie’s car, because no one else drives an SUV. Except for every housewife in America. It is Robbie’s SUV, by the way. I have no idea how Robbie could be behind JTT, considering that JTT has spent most of his time walking to New York and Robbie’s been driving. JTT asks the guy from Caroline in the City to catch up to them because his girlfriend is in the car, prompting an unfunny exchange about Mrs. Claus cheating on Santa. There is no exchange about how the Caroline guy is able to dress himself in the morning when he’s so stupid. Also, he calls Mary a “ho,” which, though accurate, is pretty risqué for a Disney movie. They speed up, which catches the eye of a cop, who immediately turns on his lights to pull them over. This, despite the fact that: 1. his car is facing the other direction, 2. he doesn’t have his speed radar thing out and so has no way to know how fast the van is going, and 3. his car is parked on top of a mountain for some reason, thus making it pretty difficult for him to get down to the highway. Instead of pulling over, the Caroline guy says that he would rather “go out in a blaze of glory” than get arrested, because apparently he has something in the back of his car that is stolen. I don’t know when it was even established that he had anything in the van besides the hamburger, but JTT knows all about it. When they transferred this film to video, did they miss a reel marked “important plot information”? Because a lot of things are happening that I don’t understand. Anyway, JTT convinces the Caroline guy to pull over. JTT gets in the driver’s seat and lies to the cop that he’s in a hurry to give presents to a children’s hospital. The cop not only lets him go, but also decides to follow him there. How awkward! Also, it is mentioned that the van was going 79 miles per hour. I am so angry right now, because I once got pulled over for going 81 on a highway and I got a ticket for $280 and then my car insurance company cancelled my family’s policy. And this guy doesn’t even get a warning. Unbelievable. I hate this movie.

So now JTT and the Caroline guy are stuck giving presents away to sick kids. And this is hee-larious, because the presents are all the stolen stuff in the back of the van, which are kitchen appliances. Why kitchen appliances? Well, I can assume that the Caroline guy wanted to break into a jewelry store at a mall, but failed, and decided to at least rob the nearby Lechter's so he wouldn’t go home empty-handed. The three meet a kid who only wants to go home for Christmas, and the Caroline guy, the cop, and JTT get all upset and call their loved ones. JTT gets stuck talking to Dad’s crappy new wife, though, because Dad and sister aren’t home. Everyone hangs up at the same time. The Caroline guy decides to go back home to his girlfriend in California, so JTT has no ride.

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7th Heaven

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