7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

Now we’re actually on the bus, and JTT is trying to get the driver to stop at the fake Bavarian village hotel-mall. The bus driver is hilariously insanely uptight about the rules, and refuses to stop, and gets all agitated about it too. By the way, it’s more “stupid” and “done before” than “hilarious.” So JTT steals some crayons from a child and a cooler from some redneck-y looking guy. What is he up to?

Robbie and Mary are forced to share the last room left in the Bavarian village hotel-mall, which is the honeymoon suite. Of course.

We see JTT’s brilliant bus-stopping plan, which was to write on the cooler, in crayon, “HUMAN LIVER Organ Donation.” Everyone on the bus believes that the Red Cross delivers livers to dying transplant-needing people by bus, in a Coleman cooler with crayon writing on the top, and JTT's fellow passengers demand that the driver stop the bus. Even though the bus driver is insane, he finally agrees. But wouldn’t this have been better if, instead of a Coleman cooler, JTT just put the liver in bus passenger Gary Coleman’s hands? Because I just know that Gary Coleman is in this movie somewhere.

There’s Mary lying in bed with Robbie, who she has forced to put on many layers of clothes. I don’t think having gloves on would stop him from trying anything while she was asleep, but maybe she figures he would be too hot with all that on to move.

It seems that the Bavarian village hotel-mall is also a bus station, because the bus stops right in front of it and lets JTT out. He runs into the hotel, since he knows that Mary and Robbie are staying there somehow. The lady at the desk won’t tell him what room they’re in, so he grabs her necklaces and pulls her towards him to tell her off. Um, wow -- that’s a really scary thing to do to a woman, especially since he had to reach into her cleavage to get the necklace in the first place. He gets thrown out by two fake Bavarian security guards instead of arrested. He sneaks back into the hotel, finds out where Mary and Robbie are staying by looking at a fake Bavarian room-cleaning checklist, and goes to the room. Mary opens the door, and JTT rushes into the room all ready to kill Robbie. JTT explains what Robbie did to him, and then Robbie comes into the room, wearing only a towel because he just got out of the shower. He isn’t wet at all, so I guess his body is a self-drying model. Anyway, JTT rips the towel off of him. Luckily for Disney, Robbie’s standing in front of a pitcher of orange juice, so we don’t see anything. Upon closer inspection with the pause button, there is still nothing to be seen except for Robbie’s incredible six-pack and beautiful, beautiful pecs. ["Okay, who let RevCam write this part of the recap?" -- Sars] Mary looks down, embarrassed, which is more decent than what I would have done. Robbie lectures JTT on playing fair, covers himself up with a napkin, and leaves. Mary forgives JTT for abandoning her back in California. JTT lets it slip that the only reason he’s even going home is to get the car. Robbie comes out and looks all smirky that Mary is mad at JTT again. I think they slanted the floor of the set so that Robbie would look like he’s the same height as JTT, even though Robbie’s got a good six inches on him. At least. Mary runs outside with JTT following her, and the whole bus, which is still there, realizes that the liver thing was a lie. Mary takes JTT’s place on the bus, since that’s apparently legal, leaving JTT ride-less. Also, Mary calls JTT a “butthole.” I can’t believe the language in this movie.

Now Robbie and JTT are together in the SUV, singing along to a song. Robbie says he’s helping JTT out because JTT got dumped so harshly. JTT talks about how nice it is that Robbie is helping him get the Porsche, and then Robbie pulls over and kicks him out. JTT then looks up at the sky, spreading out his arms, and asks Father Christmas what he wants from him. That wasn’t at all way too melodramatic.

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7th Heaven

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