7th Heaven
I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Where it all began

A bunch of Santas suddenly run by, because the town JTT’s in is having a 5K Santa run for a grand prize of $1,000. And all the competitors are fat and old. JTT enters the race, and then looks around at his competition. There’s one guy who once won a marathon, but then got lung cancer and had a lung removed. The guy coughs and hacks. Oh, that’s hilarious. I hope I get lung cancer too, just so I can entertain my friends. Then a black guy runs by. JTT asks a bystander if he’s Kenyan. Well, he’s black, so of course he is. And of course he’s good at running. So that would be two extremely offensive jokes in a row. At this rate, I think Disney’s going to beat its previously established offensive-stereotype joke record set by Pocahontas.

Robbie’s trying to leave town, but his path is blocked by a sawhorse and two men in very elaborate Christmas-tree costumes. Robbie calls them “jingle balls” because he’s so angry. They turn around, and we see that they are wearing police hats from late nineteenth-century London. Um, what? Anyway, it looks like Robbie’s going to get arrested because he violated Law 135, section 2, paragraph C, “No calling police officers from Victorian London ‘jingle balls.’”

Back at the race, the Santas run by a church with nuns standing outside, cheering and holding up a sign that says, “Jesus Loves Santa.” I’m confused, because didn’t SNL’s Church Lady say that Santa was bad for the Christmas holiday? And also that the letters in “Santa” also spell “Satan”? Wouldn’t the nuns agree with this? By the way, that SNL sketch was so much funnier than this movie. All the fat Santas stop at a nearby cookie stand instead of running. This movie is so wrong. Then we see a dog with a Santa uniform on, running, and I’m not sure why. Behind him is a bunch of Santas who all fall over unfunnily. Then there’s a shot of a lady cheering on the sidelines until her chair falls over. Was that supposed to be funny? Because she probably really hurt herself, and I’m concerned. JTT, some guy, and the Kenyan are all tied for first place. Oh wait, the Kenyan pulls ahead. Ah yes, those Kenyans and their inherent running skills. Did you know that everyone in Kenya is really good at running? Babies actually run out of the womb at birth. It’s true. The Kenyan guy turns around to point and make fun of JTT and the other guy’s slowness, and runs into a big Santa sign. That would be funny, except that they then show him on the ground, really hurt and unable to complete the race. I guess it serves him right for being from Kenya and probably not being lucky enough to get visited by missionaries and thus being a follower of some pagan religion and not knowing the true meaning of Christmas. JTT and the other white Christian man race for the finish. JTT wins.

JTT is walking out of the town with his prize money when he sees Robbie being arrested and his car being towed. Robbie sees him and begs for his help in bailing him out of jail. This is the part where I think that JTT will realize the true meaning of Christmas and help Robbie out even after all Robbie did to him, but no. Instead, JTT flags down a taxi to go to the airport. The taxi driver tells him about how the guy he beat in the race is the mayor of the town, and always uses the money to buy turkeys for poor people. JTT does The Right Thing and gives the money to the mayor. But what about Robbie? Well, you’ll never see him again, so I can only guess that Robbie’s family is going to spend their Christmas crying because their son is in jail instead of with them.

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7th Heaven




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