7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: F | Grade It Now!

Lucy and Mike are sitting on a loveseat on the porch of Casa Camden. They helpfully remind us that they had a deal where, once Lucy got her acceptance letter to college, they would kiss. I never understood the point of that deal, actually. It's surely one of the stupider plot contrivances ever attempted. But whatever. So Lucy and Mike get to their anticipated-by-nobody kiss, nervously. I guess it must be because of the G rating, but watching the kissing scenes on this show is about as erotic as watching someone scrub mould off of bathtub grout. It might have something to do with the fact that these kisses are always shot from behind someone's head, so that no ultra-prudes could get offended by actual lip action. After a couple of false starts, Mike claims that he and Lucy have "absolutely no chemistry." He also says that kissing Lucy is like kissing his sister. Uh, Mike, I won't ask, but you have to promise not to tell, okay? Mike says he was only kissing Lucy to honour their agreement, and then tries to guilt her by saying that he's still attracted to her but that she is not attracted to him. On top of all that, he asks her for a favour. Lucy's pretty peeved by now, but instead of rolling her eyes and telling him never to call her again, she tries to kiss him a few more times. When he doesn't respond, she stalks into the house. The closed captioning says that she slams the door, but it's not really all that loud. Those Camdens can't even do temper tantrums right. Mike just kind of smirks, but since that's his usual facial expression, it's probably not significant here.

Here come the opening credits, including that scene where RevCam and Annie feed strawberries to each other and then kiss. You'd think that because they have the blessing of holy matrimony on their side, one might actually see them kiss, but no deal. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. There are some things I just don't want to see, and to be perfectly honest, that includes anyone on this show kissing anyone else.

After the commercial break, we see Lucy running through the CamPound, looking anxiously into all the empty rooms downstairs. It's weirdly reminiscent of the opening in the original Scream movie, except this is neither scary nor entertaining. It looks like Lucy's checking all the doors, but in the end, it turns out she's been looking for Annie. Eh, it kills a couple of minutes, I guess. RevCam comes in, but Lucy doesn't want to talk to him about her problem. She leaves the room after claiming that "it's a guy thing." The person doing the annoying background music suddenly hammers out some discordant notes on a piano. I guess that's to let us know that RevCam galloping his way on a different path through the house to catch up to Lucy is what passes for comedy on this show. Sure, okay -- thanks for the heads-up, music person. When Eric does catch up to Lucy, he tries to tell her that she can talk to him about her problems too. It comes off sounding like he's trying to undercut Annie. Lucy gives him a chance, though, and repeats Mike's remark about kissing Lucy being like kissing his sister. RevCam thinks that's dandy. I wonder what his sister would think. Just kidding, just kidding. Please don't bring Julie and Hank back on the show. Please?

Lucy stalks off. She eventually finds Annie giving the twins a bath. However, SuperMom seems less concerned with their cleanliness than she is with trying to get them to call her "Mama." Oh, man, is she one of those losers who only had kids so that she could satisfy her ego by turning the offspring into performing seals? Apparently the twins can say the word 'Mama'? -- it's just that they've been saying it to Ruthie instead of Annie. Lucy summarizes my feelings perfectly in one word: "So?" StupidMom throws a fit, tossing around inanities about how she carried the twins for nine months and now she expects to be called Mama. I wait for the writers to continue this stupid theme with a sly reference to wire hangers, but I realize I'm setting the bar too high. Lucy's anxious to get away from Annie's weirdness, so she says her own problem can wait. She leaves Annie prattling oafishly at the twins.

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7th Heaven




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