7th Heaven
Leaps Of Faith

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Simon enters the garage apartment just as Martin's putting on his coat to leave. Martin immediately takes his coat off and lies that he was just getting back from somewhere. Simon, being a man of the world, knows what's up. He asks Martin if he can sleep on the garage apartment couch so he won't have to be around his horrible family and can have some privacy for the phone call he's expecting. Martin points out that Simon won't have that much privacy since he's sharing the space with Martin. Simon says that Martin was clearly on his way out the door when he arrived, so it looks like he'll have the apartment to himself for a little while. Martin gets all defensive and says he was going out for a homework assignment. Simon just laughs and says he won't tell anyone anything, but warns Martin to "be careful," because Simon knows what the harsh world out there is really like. He's seen things you wouldn't imagine. Martin takes Simon's advice to heart by forgetting to pack his cell phone.

And now it's time for Simon's desperate and touching plea to God: "God, um…if everything's okay, if I turn out okay, then…I promise I won't ever have sex again until after I'm married. And I promise I'll start going to church again, and I promise that I'll just try to be a better Christian." Basically, he's offering church attendance for a healthy wang. Oh, chill out, Simon. Almost all STDs are curable, most easily so. I'm sure it's not fun, but there's no need to worry so much. As for the incurable STDS, I did some research, and blood tests for herpes cannot be performed until twelve to sixteen weeks after exposure, as is the case with HIV, where the CDC recommends waiting six months. So Simon's mystery STD has to be a curable one, this is ridiculous, and I'm going to clear out my saved form information before someone does an internet search on my computer and sees that I've been very curious about HIV and herpes transmission lately.

RevCam sits around the Promenade by himself. His solitude is interrupted by two boys, who ask him for ten dollars so they can buy coffees. RevCam says he can't afford that. "Neither can we," says one of the boys, and they leave. Um…huh? Was that scene supposed to be in last week's episode? Does our government now have a coffee stamp program that we should be aware of? Is Brenda setting up an important storyline about price gouging on the Promenade? And who the hell are those boys? Did they win their nonsensical walk-on part in a contest or something? And why do they want coffee so late at night anyway?

And then we finally meet Russell, and it appears that Brenda's love of the fifties extends past names and into African-American male hairstyles. The last time I saw anyone with Russell's hairdo was in the video for "Unforgettable" by Natalie and Nat King Cole. And that was archival footage. It seems that, anticipating that the lily-white audience would be confused and scared by the sudden appearance of black people on the show, the SevHev hairstyle team gave Russell a 'do that makes him immediately identifiable as non-threatening and benign. What else would you expect from a show that only includes black people in storylines when they're victims of racism who need help from kindly white people, or have abandoned their families? Russell asks RevCam how his ex-wife and kids are doing, like, if he really cared, you think he would have -- oh, I don't know -- BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THEM?! This show of concern rings just a little false to me. RevCam tells us about how Tonya and Kristy are often sick and in pain, and Lynn is just exhausted after spending all her time either working or taking care of them. "It's pretty much the way I pictured it," says Russell, who maybe shouldn't have ABANDONED HIS OWN FAMILY if that's the way he thought things would end up. Russell tries to win us all over with a sob story about how his watched his mother die of sickle cell anemia, and he couldn't bear watching both of his daughters suffer as well. He cries, and RevCam tells him to take his time as he wonders if those two boys will buy him the coffee he'll need to stay awake for Russell's boring life story.

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7th Heaven

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