Matt walks around the Crawford Clown College campus bitching to one of his classmates that he still doesn't have an idea for his sex project. His friend says that he's all set with his -- he'll be interviewing the CamRents! Matt does not punch him in the face for that tasteless joke told to the wrong audience. The friend says that his real project will be to videotape men saying the lines they use to get women to have sex with them, and then he'll cut in shots of women responding to those lines in different ways. Then his sister will deliver a monologue about how men don't talk women into anything because women have minds of their own and can make their own decisions. "Wow," you might be thinking right now, "what kind of a creepy weirdo would ask his sister to participate in his human sexuality project?" Don't worry -- you'll find out soon enough.
Meanwhile, at the high school, Lucy nags at Jordan to reveal the sordid details of his sex life. He tells her to stop asking him about it and walks away. Mary enters the scene from out of nowhere, thoughtfully giving Lucy someone to whine to in her moment of need. She's worried about Jordan having so much more experience than she has, and also wonders why he hasn't tried to have sex with her yet. Mary suggests that it is because he cares for and respects her. Lucy thinks it's because she's ugly. Hey, maybe it's both reasons. Mary asks Lucy "how is the weather in the land of the big-time stupid?" Well, Mary, judging by your nice, even tan, I'd say it's sunny and clear. Lucy says that she should have sex with Jordan to see how he really feels about her. Always knowing entirely wrong thing to say and do, Mary responds that Lucy is "still a baby," and then walks away. Telling someone who wants to have sex that she's "a baby" is like when Captain von Trapp told Rolf that he would never truly be a Nazi. Rolf got offended and warned the other Nazis where the von Trapps were hiding. They would have been caught if those nuns hadn't wrecked the Nazimobiles!
Like the mother no one ever had, Annie places a stack of freshly-baked chocolate-chip cookies on the table and asks Simon and Ruthie what they're doing tonight. Simon says he wants to babysit but can't get any clients. As Annie makes what alternates between an expression of sympathy and one of intense pain, Simon explains that no one will to hire someone with no experience, and that one can't get experience without being hired. Way to give up after trying for ten minutes, there, big guy. "It's a fishy circle," Ruthie says, prompting Annie to laugh and laugh, and then tell her that she means "vicious circle." I'd like to say Ruthie's little quip was funnier than today's "Family Circus," but you know what? It wasn't. You see, Billy went on one of his little dotted-line adventures, and he actually tipped over a neighbor's paint can when he jumped through the ladder it was resting upon! Oh-ho-ho, my sides are splitting just thinking about it! Simon and Annie look at each other, and then at Ruthie, as it slowly dawns upon them that Simon could babysit Ruthie tonight and get the necessary babysitting experience. Hip to their plan, Ruthie says, "Don't look at me! I mean it -- don't look at me!" No need to tell me twice, Ruthie! I try to avoid looking at you as often as possible, especially when you're performing "patriotic" sexed-up versions of Tom Petty songs I used to like. Annie tells Simon that he has to get Ruthie to want him for a babysitter. Simon says he'll try, and then leaves. Annie looks around to make sure no one is looking, then puts the platter of cookies into the oven. What a great hiding place! Maybe Ruthie could hide in the oven next time she plays hide and go seek. Maybe the oven could also be on. Yeah, I've really got to stop talking about killing Ruthie. People are going to start to think I have a serious problem.